Vivamus by VegetativeBody

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Submission Name: Vivamus dots

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Author:	VegetativeBody
Elite Ratio:	4.98 - 13/10/6
Words:	151

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	902
Average Vote:	4.3333
Bytes:	876

Description:
(the title alludes to "Vivamus mea Lesbia" by Catullus)

Vivamus

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Let us love like lesbians, and eat
The salt sauce of Life at her secret throat,
And peel the velvet fruit she hides beneath
The folds of her fur coat.

You want a romantic sunset in the poem?
Here’s one. But we need more time, if we’d as lesbians converse.
I’ll give you the rising moon as well, and all the stars, and all night long
We’ll love and rummage through the contents of Life’s purse.

For that is how they do it Dear. First a long and lingering kiss,
And then a little conversation. Yes. Kiss me again.
Talk to me. We have time. Have I told you this?
Life has no better fruit to eat than love at leisure with a friend.

Fuck reality. Take my hand. It slips inside yours like a glove.
Command the sturdy tillerman who guides the gondola of Love.

Submitted on 2010-03-08 14:40:06 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  synergy, connectedness, development,
and so you go through and experience the poem as it turns back on something or moves you off elsewhere, and all the things that Craig said, and others said. It was just good, and I'll swing by and read it a few times and examine for myself what you are doing.

There's placement here, and it is careful.

Hope that serves as some sort of a useful comment. When someone is doing things right that is important, but you could pull this one apart better than I and so that's why I'll come back to it.
| Posted on 2010-03-10 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  A well-crafted piece of writing...while I am not familiar with the "description" at this point, I plan to to be. The strong language towards the end of your writing, what purpose was this to serve? No harsh criticism, not at all, just an untimely addition, in my opinion. The subject of your writing takes an immature approach upon "command" and belittles the situation...bringing you back to reality rather than continuing to stray from it. All in all, this was a uniquely written piece, thank you.

BI
| Posted on 2010-03-09 00:00:00 | by blacksail | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a lovely poem and I wouldn't dare interpret it or try to improve it - only enjoy it.
| Posted on 2010-03-09 00:00:00 | by Torie | [ Reply to This ]
  i can't spell at all.
| Posted on 2010-03-08 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
  unbiased.

well actually biased this time after reading the comments on my poems.

Can I defend mine first? No...but I will say that tonally for me "a death in february" is spot on. I think you'd agree if you knew all the details if what it was about, but you don't get that chance with poetry. Let words speak for themselves. As far as you as a reader are concerned, from your comment I think you had a pretty firm grasp of what I wanted to convey so I'll leave you with what ever impressions the poem made on you instead of cheapening things. Thanks for being critical where possible, it upsets me something awfull to get feedback full of suggested changes (and I prolly dish that out myself). But just letting someone know the parts that didn't click for you, that can be helpfull. So cheers.

I also find it really interesting that you seemed to prefer the "usurper" poem when others, myself included are unmoved. Last night I was even going to cut out the start of it. So thats encouraging to know yourself actually enjoyed it more because of that part. Strange stuff but it must only be a good thing.

Your last poem wasn't dreamy enough for me, I often write about MY dreams though so I'm probably just used to them.

I like this poem much better as you probably knew I would. Everything that was decent in the other post is triple distilled here.

I like this poem because...it's not polished, at all. This is a good thing. I hate to see anyone agonise over words. Have you seen all of the fancy formatting that goes on in the poetry posted here. A blatent abuse of brackets and puns, typing out things like the

r o l l i n g sound of something that doesn't actually roll and you couldn't make a sound out of.

things
that
do
this
to emphasise
the words
but
I
think
it's
getting
old
hat
at
this
stage.

As I say, most of the writers up here can't even say: there is a man walking down the road. They use too much polish.

You don't apparently, but that has nothing to do with effort save to say that this poem looks effortlessly written as all good poems should be. IMHO. It doesn't amaze me, it doesn't seem to try to amaze me, more I read it and feel: "yeah, this is how it was".

There are some wonderfull lines here.

The salt sauce of Life at her secret throat

That one in particular won me over. I like your style, if I was going to be arrogant enough to suggest to you how you should write in my last comment i would have told you to write like this.

From the looks of things you may be a hit and miss writer like me. i think it's more fun that way, you try better things, are more ambitious because you don't need to be word perfect. Better to hit and miss than to consistantly move nobody.

But you shouldn't pay attention to anything I say I just thought I'd take a gander.

Thanks for the read, this is one of the best posts I've read in a while.

-Craig

P.S I have read the ruined maid but I don't remember anything about it except that I enjoyed it. It might have been based on Tess of the unspellable Dubbervilles but I refuse to check the internet. I'll read it again, I originally titled that poem "the ruined indie girl" but it was a pompusly bad idea. Thomas Hardy though, his collected poems is huge.

Sorry for the rant.
| Posted on 2010-03-08 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.