Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Where Time Takesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 205
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 556
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1266



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhere Time Takesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Where Time Takes

    Take a stroll out late at night
    Watch the waves bring in the calm
    Sparkling from the pale moonlight
    They slow then leave to where they're from

    But they aren't as friendly as they seem
    Note the grains they take, all sly
    And one day there will be
    Not one left for them to hide

    And watch that face glow in the sky
    But don't fall victim to it's tales
    For it's the cause of this tide
    And someday nothing will be well

    But it won't be quite as bad as it seems
    Go somewhere else to pass the time
    But from there you will see
    Another thief to tell you lies

    But keep your chin up, raise it high
    Find some good in all the grey
    And don't let life pass you by
    As harsh the words others say

    But they aren't just trying to be mean
    They just share the regrets they find
    Bitter fury can fuel the steam
    And your apathy will fade with time

    Just please don't end up like me
    Not all feelings can fade alright
    Beneath this shells a pain to be
    And the ticking time is the tide




    Submitted on 2010-03-09 02:46:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      As with how Blue Monk put it, this piece of writing feels heavily antiquated, with portions of profound and rare sincerity. However, this piece has also formed itself upon the hapless suggestion that success follows a definitive pathway, rather than blazing a significant trail. Not to criticize your work with indifference, I mean only to suggest a continued interest in refining your approach. If I were of some authority to say so, I believe you write with potential, with effort, you should not change this.

    Here is an example, from your piece: (lines 9-12)

    "And watch that face glow in the sky
    But don't fall victim to it's tales
    For it's the cause of this tide
    And someday nothing will be well"

    Your words appear misplaced, or controlled, and do not contribute as the majority of your piece does.

    My question to you is, what other choices or options were you considering for line 12? Perhaps you do not agree, but in my opinion, this line simply does not fit as written. Thanks for sharing.

    BI
    | Posted on 2010-03-09 00:00:00 | by blacksail | [ Reply to This ]
      This has kind of an old, classy touch to it. I like the directive approach which draws you on a little bit. Not in keeping with any strict rhyme setup but it works ok. We could almost call it "What Time Takes" instead of "Where..."
    | Posted on 2010-03-09 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    183576

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Cover written by saartha
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Fasade written by jackz
    Yes written by poetotoe
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    Love written by saartha
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    a safe place written by Daniel Barlow
    a mood to be free written by Daniel Barlow
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Records I written by Raphael
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    prison written by ShyOne
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    You read free written by poetotoe
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry