This piece of writing was like a sensual nightmare, really, it was vivid and imaginative. There are certain corners and turns which would benefit from a well-rounding, but ultimately the setting is contained and intact. Your reference to the "break of day" (line 25) is contradictory to earlier portions of your poem (lines 10-13) and perhaps this is something you could refine.
How long ago did you write this? I challenge you to put this away, for one week, and then return to revise. See if the changes you might consider now end up being the same or different as you would recognize then. Thanks for sharing your work.