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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: bread crumbsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: denial
    Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 119/82/34
    Words: 204
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1122
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1277



    Description:
       This isn't very good. It isn't very poetic, it isn't very original, it isnt very clever. I really like the first stanza and a bit though. Sometimes this is the best I can do.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsbread crumbsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I sit on bread crumbs, more often than not
    my boss's boyfriend is a hyperrealist
    battling in futility, he chooses art
    over defeat

    as if it was one or the other.

    i am so restless and yet
    i refuse to move
    not one step in any direction i don't feel the need
    to incline towards
    i am standing still so you can show me where
    you want me to be

    its impossible to come to terms
    with your own limitations.

    or
    its the only thing possible

    especially with your back to cool wood floors in a
    12 month lease of a bedroom.
    and its too cold to crack a window
    so you smoke cigarettes into your 2 inch closet
    and keep a 99 cent Glade air freshener at hand

    and deny deny deny.
    gravity is strange because

    although ashes fall, smoke rises
    so its also a real fun way to work out
    some hand, eye, face, coordination.
    the surgeon general doesn't know about that one.

    so this is when
    I would promise to eat more vegetables
    to feel less sad
    to wake up at 8:30 tomorrow
    or atleast that 2:30 class. for sure.




    Submitted on 2010-03-11 16:46:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i agree with emeya..

    this is very creative, very original...has some rough spots in it...

    but is quirky and real...very real...i felt guts exploding when i read this..

    insides turned out...

    i really like it...i would get consistent and lower case all of the "i's"
    and 4th stanza.."it's impossible"

    but a big wow...for engaging piece of work.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-07-25 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      This is actually what I was looking for today. Usually I wake up and try to think of a few ways to get around doing things. I enjoy the cold, brisk feeling of wooden floors blessed with morning weather. It's refreshingly obscene. I like this one. Reminds me of my high school days with "what's her face''.
    | Posted on 2011-03-04 00:00:00 | by Slayer X9000 | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm basically commenting to say your description is wrong on all accounts -- except the 'best I can do some days' bit, because I can't really say much about that, only that if that is indeed true -- I'm going to have to around to your page.

    This is bare bones stuff. Poetry doesn't have to be fluff, or not pretty things said in pretty ways...literature dropped that sentiment long ago.

    So there?

    -Emeya
    | Posted on 2010-03-23 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      
    It's strange what we choose to discover within us and outside of us -- this is a depressing narrative, sure, but it's very real and able to be touched in the mind because of it.

    Just a short note to say that I appreciate the beauty of this, no matter how tangled and seemingly down-and-out.

    Later, tater.
    | Posted on 2010-03-16 00:00:00 | by trinityfinger | [ Reply to This ]
      I, as well, like the first stanza, up to "as if it was one or the other."

    Then, you write a few lines that have some good points, but aren't said in a poetic way and would be better presented as prose.

    But I also like,

    "and deny deny deny.
    gravity is strange because

    Although ashes fall, smoke rises."

    Two things I have seen here; one is that this could be written as a small story. The other is that I find this a poem about something and nothing at the same time. I have the feeling that you are driving towards something specific, but you leave a lot to the imagination. In a way, this is good, but it can also come across as undeveloped themes strung together. It reads something like thoughts, coming across one at a time; in a stream though unrelated.

    Do work on this, though. I love the idea of the bread crumbs, the hard, cold wood floors, the cramped closet, and the smoke. These are all uncomfortable things that turn the thoughts to bodily things when you are trying to think about something else. Perhaps you could develop this in that direction.

    And try not to be so critical of yourself. Really, there is some good material here that only needs developing.

    soul-hugger


    | Posted on 2010-03-12 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]


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