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    dots Submission Name: flash forwarddots

    Author: Passionbyapathy
    ASL Info:    23/M/Columbus, Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    5.3 - 207/276/228
    Words: 147
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 703
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 995


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsflash forwarddots

    We always end up stopped in parking lots
    brake lights flash with traffic jammed
    anger mounts, and the pavement talks
    with each new tiring turn around
    the block or city loop we're trapped in.
    Drive until your engine heaves with sound
    time slows down to a pitch black tar, forever
    entwining hollow ground and empty please.
    Drive until the day is a silhouette,
    and the cloud cover's the clearest seen
    around here, it's rare when the scene's set
    I miss stars and summer nights and wind blowing
    a pulse through the soul of the moments where
    we're lucky enough to forget where we're going.
    I hope to own a piece of anything, related to
    living life while happiness runs itself ragged, and
    if I'm lucky enough I'll forget where I'm going.
    I cant close my eyes until the evening's old,
    its a tired pace I'm dragging always.

    Submitted on 2010-03-13 06:01:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Ooookayyy. First thing. It's rather nit-picky. However, the fact that the title is not capitilized bothers me a bit. Like I said, nit-picky. But...it really just turned me off from the read right away. Heh. I'm weird.

    But then, of course, the poem itself doesn't disappoint. Capitilize it. It's important enough to earn that much, don't you think? I do.

    "tiring turn"

    What's that called? When you make things start off with the same thing? I dunno. You probably didn't even do it on purpose, but I love it. Heh. Sounds cool.

    And of course, I just love your style. How you break down the lines. How you splice everything together. It's got that rhythm. It's got that catch. It's got that oomph! You know?

    Trapped, tar, tiring, dragging...

    You express the feeling of --oh what's the word-- well, being trapped well. The subtle repitition. Works wonders.

    I miss the stars, too. /glances out the window/

    Overall, thumbs up!
    | Posted on 2010-03-13 00:00:00 | by SweetAndOhSoME | [ Reply to This ]

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