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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I wish you knew, I wish I could tell youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: poppi
    Elite Ratio:    7.47 - 72/55/37
    Words: 269
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 492
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1745



    Description:
       Writing advice, though rarely headed, is often helpful. Or even just a comment saying you read it, without advice on how to improve or what you thought, would be nice. I feel like more people need to comment. . .


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI wish you knew, I wish I could tell youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your hand writing is jagged, on the little notes you leave me.
    My thoughts are just as bad.
    I can't focus on one thing.
    The world is blurred, as if peeking through a corn syrup looking glass.
    I'm falling out of myself,
    And in love with you.
    I'll pretend 'just friends'
    Is just fine.
    You know me so well,
    All of me
    Except for this little ball of infatuation I hold so close to my heart.
    I'll Keep my hands closed over it,
    So that you won't see.
    You won't see me.
    You won't see. . .
    I thought I was crazy,
    When my hit-on-you jokes, were just that:
    Jokes (to you).
    But your word, one day gave me hope.
    This little ball blossomed.
    But I'll never show you,
    I promise, I'll never force you to know.
    I'm falling out of myself
    And in love with you.
    It kills me when you say you're lonely
    Because all I want is for you to hold me.
    I don't know who I am
    Except me waiting for you.
    Waiting on anything, everything, even if it's just to tell me you have to go.
    I miss me, not being in love with you.
    Not wanting you.
    Because then I was completely honest.
    Now everything I say is only partially true.
    I'm still waiting for my Butch Cassidy line:
    "Kid, the next time I say, "Let's go someplace like Bolivia," let's GO someplace like Bolivia."
    Please let me runaway with you.
    I wish you knew.
    But I'll never say
    I'm falling out of me,
    And in love with you.




    Submitted on 2010-03-14 12:46:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      This is marvelous. I see little flaw, expect for the fact that you have some rhyme here and no rhyme there. Probably wasn't intentional, right? Riight.

    Anyhow, I loved the idea behind it; clich? Maybe, but the way you wrote it was so well.

    I honestly felt like crying as I read this; simply because i've been there. Everyone has, right? It's a natural course of life. But I do say, why won't you tell him of such feelings? What is to fear; we're not little kids, he won't run away, and if he does, he's not worth it.

    Ha, I give too much advice. It's something I find myself doing without really thinking. Anyhow, as I've told you before, you're really good, and I will favor this one as well.
    | Posted on 2010-03-28 00:00:00 | by Dark Dann | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm ashamed to say I've never commented on any of your works. And I'm not right now for that fact;

    but because I actually like this piece.



    I can relate to it, you know? At least, from what I see of it and can apply to myself. Isn't that how it always is, anyway?


    Keep on keepin' on, Sydster. You're amazing.
    | Posted on 2010-03-14 00:00:00 | by KotaNashi | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    9. How could it be improved?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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