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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: insomniac's thoughts at 3:45amdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: The Wolverine
    ASL Info:    23/M/MA
    Elite Ratio:    4.51 - 74/137/91
    Words: 239
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 853
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1632



    Description:
       it's 3:35 am. i have class at 1:30pm. super tired, can't sleep. writing about it and my insomnia. i feel like this isn't broken up in the best way, i've been up so long it's hard to focus and concentrate on what i'm doing so if this doesnt make sense please comment and ill work on it! trying to get better, all help is appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsinsomniac's thoughts at 3:45amdots
    -------------------------------------------


    No dream catcher in this window, sleep escapes tonight.
    A weary soul stares on unblinking, helpless to this plight.
    Despite the circumstances now, the clock is blank, thank god.
    When eyes refuse to close, and vision is unclear,
    return insomnia's embrace; wait for tomorrow without fear.

    Either choose to lose your mind, or find peace in this madness...
    Create, write, read, watch, or just destroy
    these nights were so much easier as a boy.

    The man cannot possess the energy of youth
    it's amazing he's coherent, wide awake to face the truth;
    he's rundown at dawn and sundown
    Time's changing numbers laugh at the unchanging face
    the clock doesn't stop to rest, perhaps it's for the best
    with so much to see in this place.

    But without some dreams to follow, there's no real place to be
    for half-sleeping isn't living, and while present, he's not there
    a life once filled with passion is consumed by despair.

    The restless nights and daydreams are teasing to the brain.
    Sleep rain down on the man, a cure for all the pain.
    The drugs don't work, neither does he
    no assignments are completed, energy depleted

    Eyes open, mind broken, start another day;
    Now the tears unspoken fill San Francisco Bay
    His animated corpse lies there defeated.

    Dead weight, hours of hate, wait til death for change...
    Some hidden switch within that will not disengage





    Submitted on 2010-03-22 05:47:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I can definitely relate to this, however I can also tell you were tired when you wrote it. Some good imagery here, but the flow jumps around a lot. I would just start to get into the flow pattern when it would change. A certain amount of this can help to move the poem along and to communicate a change in subject or feeling. However, the transitions need to be smooth. Some of the greatest ideas can come from a sleep-deprived mind. I know this because some of my own best works have been written in such a state; ideas coming to the forefront that would not otherwise surface. Maybe you are closer to dreams?

    The first two lines are excellent. When I read them, I braced myself for an enjoyable read.
    Since the poem is so long, I have just copied and pasted it to recommend changes.

    No dream catcher in this window, sleep escapes tonight.
    A weary soul stares on unblinking, helpless to this plight.
    Despite the circumstances now, the clock is blank, thank god.
    When eyes refuse to close, and vision is unclear,
    return insomnia's embrace; wait for tomorrow without fear.

    Either choose to lose your mind, or find peace in this madness...
    Create, write, read, watch, or just destroy
    these nights were so much easier as a boy.

    The man cannot possess the energy of youth
    it's amazing he's coherent, wide awake to face the truth;
    he's rundown at dawn and sundown
    Time's changing numbers laugh at the unchanging face
    the clock doesn't stop to rest, perhaps it's for the best
    with so much to see in this place.

    But without some dreams to follow, there's no real place to be
    for half-sleeping isn't living, and while present, he's not there
    a life once filled with passion is consumed by despair.

    The restless nights and daydreams are teasing to the brain.
    Sleep rain down on the man, a cure for all the pain.
    The drugs don't work, neither does he
    no assignments are completed, energy depleted

    Eyes open, mind broken, start another day;
    Now the tears unspoken fill San Francisco Bay
    His animated corpse lies there defeated.

    Dead weight, hours of hate, wait til death for change...

    ***********

    Well, you get the idea. With some work, this could be a good piece. I have the feeling that you have switched from a traditional flow to a hip-hop-type flow that uses more than one rhyme per line. With work, the two styles can be brought together, but it can be difficult. Sometimes rhyming poems can be harder to write than un-rhyming ones. Sometimes, when you have an idea of what you want to write, the rhyme can get in the way. It may start out easily, but after the initial burst of inspiration passes, it becomes harder. By no means must one stick to a traditional form, but when breaking away from these binds, there still must be a pattern.

    The best way to get better, like you said, is to just keep writing. Don't worry; not everything turns out perfect. Even with a lot of practice, a writer often turns out pieces that are less than perfect. If you think about any of the major poets, most of them have a relatively small collection of work written over the course of a lifetime. I have written many poems; hundreds in fact. Only a few of these are what I consider to be my masterpieces. Of the rest, I often take the best ideas from them and try to start something new. I find that every thought has value. When you write a piece like you just did; a piece that says a lot but fails to mesh the way you like, you must often deconstruct it in order to extract the pith; the part that either means the most or sounds the best.

    Good Luck in the future. Oh, and they say the top reason for not being able to sleep is worrying that you won't be able to sleep. Sleep comes when it is ready to an unfettered mind. I have wrestled with insomnia and have often found it worst when my mind has been unable to shut down. Writing at night can help, especially if you let your pen do the walking, because it can help you to define what's on your mind that is keeping you awake. Reading is another great way to get to sleep because it does the opposite. It takes the mind off things personal and puts it on other things. If you are in school, use this time to study. Do not read anything else before you go to bed, and the information will embed itself in your brain while you sleep.

    soul-hugger
    | Posted on 2010-03-22 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]


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