Dear Sparrow by poppi

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Submission Name: Dear Sparrow dots

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Author:	poppi
Elite Ratio:	7.47 - 72/55/37
Words:	188

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	1317
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	1279

Description:
For my little bird <3
To thine own thoughts be true

Dear Sparrow dots

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So I'm lost,
And kind of. . .
Drowning in you.
I want to cry and I want to sing
I can't think
Not with my head
Not with my heart
Not with anything
I'm just dazed,
So confused
What way is up?
Because I'm falling down.
Or maybe sideways
Falling
Falling
Falling for you.
Your voice is a melody and my heart's its company
I shouldn't be like this
I keep saying it is wrong,
To be so misconstrued.
Because I say you're beautiful
And I mean it with every sinew
Of my poor pattering little heart.
All I can do is devise ways to make you believe me
How can I succeed though,
When I could never begin to say enough to you?
Drowning in the lyrics of
Previously neglected love songs.
Since they illustrate,
What it is I'm continually trying to say.
It's never enough,
No.
Never will I fully be able to express what I want to say
Whether on whim of poetry
Or sobering morning promise
All these words whispered between sunrise and sunset,
Parallel only my most honest:
I love you.

Submitted on 2010-03-23 20:20:59 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I think this write is stunning. I love the sincerity of it.

Fana
| Posted on 2010-09-19 00:00:00 | by BusterLILblock | [ Reply to This ]
  I love it! Yes, another love poem, but the phrasing and word choice are just perfect. It's mostly free of cliché, which is amazing for the subject matter.

However, the one-whole-stanza thing seems a little weird to me. I think that even though the short line length at the beginning made it easier to jump into, you should really break it up. Even if it's only into a few verses, it should make it a lot more accessible.

I think that a couple of your lines could be cut down, since they're a little verbose. "What I'm continually trying to say" instead of "What it is I'm continually trying to say", for instance. And "Never will I fully be able to express it" instead of "Never will I fully be able to express what I want to say".

Also, I think that your punctuation is a little inconsistent. If you're going to go for it, go for it. If you just want to scrap it, that's awesome too. But right now it's sort of haphazard.

I love the "All I can do is devise ways to make you believe me" line. Just awesome.

Keep writing and editing. This could grow into something even more magnificent.
| Posted on 2010-03-26 00:00:00 | by WhatYouWill | [ Reply to This ]
  Interesting take on a love poem. I really enjoy the genuine feeling behind it - it feels like an honest love poem - and thats something that can be hard to create. I really like this part

Drowning in the lyrics of
Previously neglected love songs.
Since they illustrate,
What it is I'm continually trying to say

and I can definitely relate to that feeling. That's one of the reasons why we write poetry, right? To try and communicate something deep and near in-explainable.

great poem - the only criticism I would offer is possibly revising the layout/format. It would definitely change some of the feel of the poem - but I think it could add to the reading experience

thanks for this submission!
| Posted on 2010-03-24 00:00:00 | by raincloud | [ Reply to This ]
  i like this very much. its a genuine attempt at making apoem about love a little less clique and a bit more personal and i dont know..
saying it like you really mean it.

"Because I say you're beautiful
And I mean it with every sinew
Of my poor pattering little heart.
All I can do is devise ways to make you believe me"

well said.
| Posted on 2010-03-23 00:00:00 | by Theophilus | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.