[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Waiting Death Outdots

    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 149
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 549
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 955


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWaiting Death Outdots

    You hooked me like a fish
    Reeled me in to the fire
    You branded my heart, forever yours
    And now you're all I desire

    Things like this happen
    Your eyes on the prize
    Cast it back when you're done
    Every tear dries

    No real harm done
    Like an unwanted stray
    Leave me on the corner
    Don't worry, I'll wait

    On to the next one
    I know you shop to keep
    But I would hold all bets
    The odds are getting steep

    That taming whip you have
    It leaves us all meek
    And thrown into the wild
    It's survival of the weak

    I wouldn't know how
    To move on if I tried
    How I survive is a wonder
    I only know to bide

    And ignorance may not be bliss
    But it's the best I've got
    The puppy on that corner
    Misses you a lot

    Submitted on 2010-03-24 01:50:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      It would be good to sing. I almost heard the tune!

    Just a bit into the ballad, there is this image of the lady leaving a fish on a street-corner. Well, nobody will take it that way - but a fussy poet would get a few interesting thoughts about mixing metaphors, out of that one!

    I just been reading Dylan Thomas, who doesn't just mix metaphors he chops them and blends them. So to speak. Well, if he got famous, mixing metaphors can't be wrong. But sometimes you could get an un-intended effect?

    It isn't really a mixed metaphor either! Nothing mixed about it. But I still saw the fish getting dumped on the street corner. Maybe I'm a bit twisted.
    | Posted on 2010-03-24 00:00:00 | by lakesblue | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I am going to share my thoughts on this one. First, this:

    And ignorance may not be bliss
    But it's the best I've got
    The puppy on that corner
    Misses you a lot

    I said aww. It sealed the deal for me. The foreshadowing was done well.

    Yet before that you had this:

    On to the next one
    I know you shop to keep
    But I would hold all bets
    The odds are getting steep

    a little hint of anger maybe? I wouldn't blame you...

    Either way, as I always am taking in strays I couldn't help but think one word clearly. It made me want to look whoever made you feel that way in the eyes and call them a [censored]!
    | Posted on 2010-03-24 00:00:00 | by Yelena | [ Reply to This ]
      The line

    It's survival of the weak

    really stood out to me.
    | Posted on 2010-03-24 00:00:00 | by raincloud | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    untitled written by Chelebel
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    This written by Chelebel
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Giving written by jjd
    Bond written by saartha
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Wavelength written by saartha
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]