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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Water Cycledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: WhatYouWill
    Elite Ratio:    5.75 - 65/76/35
    Words: 232
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 793
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1450



    Description:
       I wrote this poem this morning at about 3 o'clock.
    Please, help me make it make sense.

    Possibly inspired by:
    I dreamed I was a butterfly, flitting around in the sky; then I awoke. Now I wonder: Am I a man who dreamt of being a butterfly, or am I a butterfly dreaming that I am a man?

    --Chuang Tzu



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWater Cycledots
    -------------------------------------------


    I feel it again--
    the skyward pressure pulling me
    as I toss and turn in my sleep.

    It always starts the same.


    There are many of us.
    We are thrown into the air like dewy stars.
    The sky has stolen us from the sea.

    It is funny, I remember.
    It makes me laugh.
    We are like upside-down rain as we fall towards the moon.

    We dazzle each other and giggle and squirm
    We are shining like a million pieces of broken glass.
    We are flying like a million herons
    flapping their night-light wings.
    I remember preening my feathers as I float skyward.

    No, I remind myself, I am not a heron.
    I am a raindrop no, I am the fog that rises on a green-lit day.
    No, no, I am a heron.
    I am flying through a downy mist.

    The mist, I remember, was screaming.

    I am not chained to this watery earth!
    I am rising to escape,
    as a cool breeze,
    as a cloud!
    I am leaving this world!
    I am rising!
    I am rising!


    The propaganda is convincing enough,
    so I dance and shimmer in joy
    twisting in gleeful anticipation of escape.

    No wait, I do not.
    I am a heron.


    (Oh, don't worry.
    I always wake up before I fall as rain.)




    Submitted on 2010-03-25 18:10:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I want to offer up some criticism that I hope is constructive and not at all meant to change the intention of the write, or your own personal style. If I do, please feel free to ignore all suggestions completely. I'm not saying that your poem should be this way, just thoughts to take as you will.

    That's my disclaimer -- sometimes it's necessary.

    [eliminate, maybe?] (add, maybe)

    *

    I feel it again --
    the skyward pressure pulling me
    as I toss and turn in [my] sleep.

    [It always starts the same(;)


    There are many of us.
    we are thrown into the air like dewy stars.
    The sky has stolen us from the sea.

    to:

    There are many of us
    thrown into the air like dewy stars
    the sky has stolen from the sea.

    [It is funny, I remember.
    It makes me laugh.]

    the reason I say eliminate the previous two lines is because it is emphasized in the next stanza, in that you giggle and squirm, which proves the enjoyment.

    We are like upside-down rain as well(;)
    we dazzle each other and giggle and squirm(,)
    [we are] shining like a million pieces of broken glass(,)
    [we are] flying like a million herons
    flapping their night-light wings.

    I remember
    preening my feathers as I float(ed) skyward.

    *

    The reason I took out the majority of the personal pronouns is because I felt that it was a bit heavy with them. It also causes poetry to be halted, when a constant 'I' is taking place. It does very little to the write to eliminate them.

    With or without the changes I've made, I thoroughly enjoyed the poem up till this point. The imagery is lovely, dream cast and something of an inner-outer body experience. I also love the mention of herons. An ex boyfriend of mine often called me heron-girl (though maybe because I am a bit gangly) and I have always been hyper-aware of the presence. They are startling birds.

    After this point, I felt the poem split into two simultaneously. In one you follow the heron, in another you follow water, and its various forms, and take on a sort of inner-dialogue. I have to admit that the conversational aspect doesn't work for me, however the previous comment enjoyed it very much so that is probably a person thing (as all this is) and I do like the wistful desire of 'I am rising!/I am rising!'. Maybe italics would be good in these parts, to further emphasize thought/speech.

    I do think it would be neat if you explored water, and its evolution (water, to steam/moisture, to cloud, to rain, to water) a bit further and tied the heron more succinctly to this.

    Anyhoo, just thoughts. Bit long comment, sorry 'bout that. I see lots of potential and freshness in this. Oh, and I am sorry if I over-stepped in any way.

    -Emeya
    | Posted on 2010-03-31 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      wow. I think I love this poem. I am not someone who is often quick in adding poems into my 'favorites' list - but this one makes me want to revise that policy. I have personally been a long time fan of post-modern writing and story telling - and I just feel like this poem really works - I don't really think that you need help 'making it make sense' - it makes sense to me ;)

    I especially love the side commentary - as the focus shifts to the mist.
    The second stanza that follows that is probably my favorite. There is so much build up and it just seems to fit

    "No wait, I do not.
    I am a heron."

    My only criticism, is the use of the word 'propaganda'. To me it doesn't feel right - I don't know it that makes any sense to you or not - it feels like the poem is going in the direction of a surreal dream - and then the word propaganda pops up - and it feels like there is some implied deception. Just my thought though.

    I also really liked the 3rd stanza

    "There are many of us.
    We are thrown into the air like dewy stars.
    The sky has stolen us from the sea."

    but I felt like the idea of 'many of us' was abandoned by the end of the poem, and kind of would have liked to see it brought back up at the end.

    Anyways, just some of my ideas. Your free to take them or leave them. This is going on my favorites list for sure,
    it is an EXCELLENT poem, is very unique in my mind, and has so many beautifully interesting metaphors that I can't pass it up.

    Thank you for writing this poem!
    | Posted on 2010-03-26 00:00:00 | by raincloud | [ Reply to This ]


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