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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Summersongdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: WhatYouWill
    Elite Ratio:    5.75 - 65/76/35
    Words: 152
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 526
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 929



    Description:
       I'm actually rather pleased with this.

    However, I only just finished it right now, and haven't let it stew yet. Things could change.

    Edit: Okay, something I surprisingly didn't realize (thanks, raincloud!) was that this poem has a very similar ending to my other poem The Book. So if any of you have any suggestions for a different ending, they would be very much appreciated. Thanks!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSummersongdots
    -------------------------------------------


    the sun shines down on the fluttering water,
    baking it into a salty cake
    that I will nibble on when I am hungry
    in the night

    there is sand under my fingernails and I say thank you, sun,

    you have scraped my back red with your rays
    you have tilled the wide expanse that is my back,
    dug scabby ridges and furrows
    where later I will sow apple seeds
    for the spring

    but right now, I can smell the rich scent of sunscreen,
    and the ocean is too blue to not look at



    later,
    much later,
    I have forgotten the beach

    the cool sheets freeze to my sweating skin
    the fan pushes the sleepy air around my bedroom
    I can think of nothing but this world
    in which I hear the cars
    creeping by on the streets

    that night, I dream of apple-tree forests




    Submitted on 2010-03-25 18:31:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey I like this, how did you come up with the idea to link two such unrelated things? Brilliant.
    There's also a sort of romanticism to this that kind of makes it seem really natural (excuse the pun). I especially like the 'fluttering water' as though the water has wings.

    The only suggestions I would make is possibly get rid of the 'you have tilled the wide expanse that is my back' line (this might be a typo) as it kind of repeats the the line above and detracts from the rest of the poem.
    Also did you purposefully not use the word 'orchards' instead of 'apple-tree forests'?

    Cool write!

    E x
    | Posted on 2010-03-27 00:00:00 | by EllusiveEmber | [ Reply to This ]


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