[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Some Other Placedots

    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 147
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 427
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 983


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSome Other Placedots

    I want to give up now
    But I don't quite know how
    I want to take what's bad
    And spit it all out

    I'm tired of dragging forward
    Stretching out the past
    That I'm holding on to
    End it all at last

    Dry out all of these
    Oceans of hurt
    Take it from me now
    Before it starts to stir

    Trickles of stoicism
    As you dig into the wounds
    Such stale heartache
    Some sadist's boons

    Enveloped in destruction
    But blinded on the spot
    Lash out all around
    But miss those at fault

    And so innocent blood pours
    Entwined with the blood of mine
    Wasn't me that made this wry, but
    I may have strattled that line

    But I'm not concerned with the why
    Of any reason you aren't near
    I'm alone in this place
    Even I don't want to be here

    Submitted on 2010-03-29 00:58:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Interesting write, my friend. Obviously an emotional work of a desperate cry for the end. Don't we all want that though, some way to escape from the pain that dwindles within us? The painful wind that seems to try to disturb that fire within us? Yeah. I've been there. Not quite out of it, but been there none the less.

    There are some things I'd like to point out. Because of the rhyme, there are places where you cut the line short and it just seemed to ruin the balance for me. It's the one flaw of rhyming, and it really ticks me off sometimes. But that is one thing I had to point out.

    Like this one:

    "Dry out all of these
    Oceans of hurt
    Take it from me now
    Before it starts to stir"

    It just didn't get to me, and even the rhyme ain't total here either. I would have added another clever imagery, or a change of wording. But that is the only thing I wanted to point out.

    Don't get me wrong, the piece was good. but just that.

    All I can tell you is to keep your head up. Things get better. Keep up the good work my friend
    | Posted on 2010-03-30 00:00:00 | by Dark Dann | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Push written by JanePlane
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    AI written by poetotoe
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Happy Saint Patrick's Day written by poetotoe
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Linger written by saartha
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    written by Daniel Barlow
    True Death written by layDsayD
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    Bond written by saartha
    Fasade written by jackz
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    written by Daniel Barlow




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]