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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Some Other Placedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 147
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 417
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 983



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSome Other Placedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I want to give up now
    But I don't quite know how
    I want to take what's bad
    And spit it all out

    I'm tired of dragging forward
    Stretching out the past
    That I'm holding on to
    End it all at last

    Dry out all of these
    Oceans of hurt
    Take it from me now
    Before it starts to stir

    Trickles of stoicism
    As you dig into the wounds
    Such stale heartache
    Some sadist's boons

    Enveloped in destruction
    But blinded on the spot
    Lash out all around
    But miss those at fault

    And so innocent blood pours
    Entwined with the blood of mine
    Wasn't me that made this wry, but
    I may have strattled that line

    But I'm not concerned with the why
    Of any reason you aren't near
    I'm alone in this place
    Even I don't want to be here




    Submitted on 2010-03-29 00:58:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Interesting write, my friend. Obviously an emotional work of a desperate cry for the end. Don't we all want that though, some way to escape from the pain that dwindles within us? The painful wind that seems to try to disturb that fire within us? Yeah. I've been there. Not quite out of it, but been there none the less.

    There are some things I'd like to point out. Because of the rhyme, there are places where you cut the line short and it just seemed to ruin the balance for me. It's the one flaw of rhyming, and it really ticks me off sometimes. But that is one thing I had to point out.

    Like this one:

    "Dry out all of these
    Oceans of hurt
    Take it from me now
    Before it starts to stir"

    It just didn't get to me, and even the rhyme ain't total here either. I would have added another clever imagery, or a change of wording. But that is the only thing I wanted to point out.

    Don't get me wrong, the piece was good. but just that.

    All I can tell you is to keep your head up. Things get better. Keep up the good work my friend
    | Posted on 2010-03-30 00:00:00 | by Dark Dann | [ Reply to This ]


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