[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Some Other Placedots

    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 147
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 452
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 983


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSome Other Placedots

    I want to give up now
    But I don't quite know how
    I want to take what's bad
    And spit it all out

    I'm tired of dragging forward
    Stretching out the past
    That I'm holding on to
    End it all at last

    Dry out all of these
    Oceans of hurt
    Take it from me now
    Before it starts to stir

    Trickles of stoicism
    As you dig into the wounds
    Such stale heartache
    Some sadist's boons

    Enveloped in destruction
    But blinded on the spot
    Lash out all around
    But miss those at fault

    And so innocent blood pours
    Entwined with the blood of mine
    Wasn't me that made this wry, but
    I may have strattled that line

    But I'm not concerned with the why
    Of any reason you aren't near
    I'm alone in this place
    Even I don't want to be here

    Submitted on 2010-03-29 00:58:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Interesting write, my friend. Obviously an emotional work of a desperate cry for the end. Don't we all want that though, some way to escape from the pain that dwindles within us? The painful wind that seems to try to disturb that fire within us? Yeah. I've been there. Not quite out of it, but been there none the less.

    There are some things I'd like to point out. Because of the rhyme, there are places where you cut the line short and it just seemed to ruin the balance for me. It's the one flaw of rhyming, and it really ticks me off sometimes. But that is one thing I had to point out.

    Like this one:

    "Dry out all of these
    Oceans of hurt
    Take it from me now
    Before it starts to stir"

    It just didn't get to me, and even the rhyme ain't total here either. I would have added another clever imagery, or a change of wording. But that is the only thing I wanted to point out.

    Don't get me wrong, the piece was good. but just that.

    All I can tell you is to keep your head up. Things get better. Keep up the good work my friend
    | Posted on 2010-03-30 00:00:00 | by Dark Dann | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Giving written by jjd
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    This written by Chelebel
    The Promise written by annie0888
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Incubus written by monad
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]