I am holding back.
And I cant do it much longer.
Grace is only given to those with thin slender bodies.
My soul is caught and my teeth shut tight.
The secrets held between them may just hold yours and mine, our future.
I cant bare hearing your voice.
Its like acid in my veins.
Its like a stab in the stomach.
I really just want to come home, be with those who distract me. Where is my home.
My abode is left baren
| OK, I am finally ready to comment! |
First of all, I thought that this was a really, really complex poem with complex feelings. Actually, it seems to me that it IS a part of some person; it isn't a part of me, but uniquely a part of a certain person and carries out the emotions experienced by that one person.
"I am holding back.
And I cant do it much longer."
I'm not sure what this person is holding back, and it's not necessary for me to know. I can just tell that whatever it is is causing the person discomfort, even perhaps pain. I like how the abstraction is contrasted by the next line with a very blunt and clear statement:
"Grace is only given to those with thin slender bodies. "
Haha well, I laugh only because I can relate to this. I know what it is like to be a klutz, and I know that sometimes I do think about what if I were thin and slender too? But like I said before, even though I can relate to how this person feels, these emotions are uniquely that person's as a whole. I don't know if this makes sense, but I'm nto sure how to say what I mean. I do not believe that grace is given only to thin people, and maybe the speaker doesn't really believe it either, but is driven to say this by his/her own state.
"My soul is caught and my teeth shut tight.
The secrets held between them may just hold yours and mine, our future. "
Pain. Fear of making the wong sound. Weight upon the speaker. Perhaps this is grace in speech that we are talking about, that the speaker wants?
"I cant bare hearing your voice.
Its like acid in my veins.
Its like a stab in the stomach."
Is the person jealous of the beauty and grace of the other person's speech? Or is he/she simply wish deeply that he/she could talk in that way, and resents himself because he can't? Perhaps this other voice is telling him a truth he does not want to hear, or a falsehood that causes him much hurt.
"I really just want to come home, be with those who distract me. "
I feel like alot of depressing thoughts end with this kind of thought, which makes everything all the more depressing. The speaker feels alone, unsatisfied, unloved. Everyone believes in home--where everything is like a dream come true. Dreams. Distractions. The reality is painful for everyone at a time or another.
"Where is my home."
This should end with a ? don't you think? It would sound more desperate. But here again, even more depressing. Just when you feel you need a home, you seem to be unable to find it.
"My abode is left baren."
Because it is the only home you thought you had that deserts you, that leaves you longing for a home. Or, you find that when you need home the most, it becomes alien to you.
Ah, my poor friend here. Despair not! This world is not your home. Reality is that which you cannot see, so imagine! One cannot survive without imagination.
I really love this poem. It makes me feel like I've just talked to a real person--the part of a person that no one really knows about and could be inside anyone at all. The bare, honest feelings, unmasked by expressions or any other external feature. (so much so that I have given the person advice! Imagine!) I will give this a five . Good, equal sign is working ;)
|| Posted on 2010-08-04 00:00:00 | by coloredstone | [ Reply to This ] || Since you commented on one of my pieces I felt it just to return the offer and well, I read a few of your pieces and somehow they all seemed to be about Christianity. And I am Jewish. So I am going to do my best to be understanding so that I can really hear it from your perspective.|
First of all its a really interesting write, I can see that it was bits and pieces from your notebook but because of that it gives it another interesting perspective. I think that if you worked on it a little bit more you could really have something special.
I absolutely loved the beginning, it sets up for this intense piece
'I am holding back.
And I cant do it much longer.'
It shows courage and strength but a sense of solitude, that its hard to keep pushing through. But then I was confused with the 'thin slender bodies.' Maybe thats just be not understanding your religion but to me it just sounded like they were emaciated, grace is for those less fortunate? Then for all the secrets why dont you make the cut?
Then I just have one last point:
'The secrets held between them may just hold yours and mine, our future.'
The use of both 'held' and 'hold' is slightly distracting from the messsage.
Anyway I love the rest of it, I really do, the last line is a little iffy but I can see how it works. Sorry if this all sounded harsh, once again, feel free to just dismiss it, I mean I know I am not the best writer ever and I know that I probably don't truly understand any of it to the same extent you do or your target audience would but I just thought I would try to provide some sort of help.
Keep it up though,
|| Posted on 2010-06-27 00:00:00 | by blankscreen | [ Reply to This ] || this is an expression of the emotion that you were feeling. its written well and reminds me of boarding school. how everyone frustrates me . how i hold back. where do i go?|
its off i know but hey the house is almost done youll have your own closet and room and ill fill it up with books books and the more the merrier books..
|| Posted on 2010-04-19 00:00:00 | by DaGrimReaperess | [ Reply to This ] || I'm not sure how to comment on this, should I do it as someone who knows you or as another poet. This is definitely a depart from your usual style of writing. More introspective, hopeless. |
The feeling is universal, the struggle to be perfect & yet wanting to do what you want. Which I think everyone at least at school seems to be feeling since getting back.
Cool poem, dude.
|| Posted on 2010-03-31 00:00:00 | by geekyslacker | [ Reply to This ] || I would disagree, grace is given to everyone and anyone who asks for it :) |
it's a good poem, just a little rough when it comes to the flow, here and there, consider revising, but all besides that it is a good poem. keep writing :)
|| Posted on 2010-03-30 00:00:00 | by istalkmurdoch | [ Reply to This ] |