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    dots Submission Name: 19.99dots

    Author: MyX
    ASL Info:    27/m/Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    4.38 - 932/973/107
    Words: 573
    Class/Type: Misc/Satire
    Total Views: 2112
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3302


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Paid Programming.
    (This has been brought to you in part by……
    butt plug sex smell suicide choke finger fuck stuffing)

    Are you tired of failing to kill yourself?
    Are you a victim of life and have been suckered into buying products of poor quality like
    fraying ropes
    diluted carbon monoxide
    dull knives…
    Look no further!
    Check out my fine assortment of lethal methods for a very competitive low price!
    Suicide today is relatively proven as one of America’s favorite pastimes!
    Do you not want your experience to be as deadly
    as your pathetic friend Michelle’s
    Or as your slipshod Uncle Joe’s?

    Look no Further!

    My vast variety of self engagement products will surely fit all of your suicidal needs!

    Firstly, I would like to present to you my fine line of knives.
    We have switch blades for the 13 year old dead beat daddies of the inner city.
    And BEAUTIFUL butter knives for the emotionally neglected suburban child.
    And a rare, one of a kind steak knife for the economic needs of a hillbilly who feels he needs to gut himself out like a trout in a hurry.
    You can have the entire set for this low introductory price and very soon you can be part of a human shish kabob as well!

    Next, If you would like a more subtle, high or exotic way of exiting this cruel earth, try a bottle of MyX’s Assorted Pretty Colors. The very mystery of it all is exciting.
    Do not just settle for jaundice, diarrhea, vomiting, convulsions or comas. An 85mph ride to the hospital never prevented any of us from living! With these blacks, whites, blues, reds and limited time offer greens…surely your bound for a pleasant self indictment and eventually a plunge into death.

    Thirdly, try this can of Raid. Life as an insect can be quite testing. Why not kill yourself off in a way that will leave them talking? After all, its what you have wanted all this time, is it not? Besides the fact that this method works better than those little white packets that fall from your mother’s pillow cases when she returns from another ridiculous shopping spree…it works WAY better than the fists your daddy uses to beat her into a bloody pile of tar tar. It also works 24 times faster than all 24 cans of Budweiser in his refrigerator.

    Finally, I would like to refer you to this fine plastic rope. One that wont fray, one that is transparent and wont be detected by those heart sops trying to save you. This particular item comes with a free chair….A FREE CHAIR! You pay nothing! Go out in style with this fine oak finish and hand carved legs. (hehe, get it? Carved?)

    Logic is a tool of desperation. And you are very desperate you poor soul, and I sympathize. I am here for you. End it today! Just dial this toll free number

    1-800-DIE-TODAY and order one of the above methods.

    DON’T be a victim of society another moment!
    KILL off yourself and the memories of you today!
    YOUR order will arrive in one to three business days.
    SELF improvement is the only answer.


    Submitted on 2004-07-24 12:07:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I love how at the very end IN CAPD LETTERS you said "don't kill your self. I loved this, and all the ways a person could actually kill themselves...A lot of ppl say they will and yet their "attempts" are pretty pathetic...
    you don't cut your wrist - you slit your throat.
    anyway, good write.
    | Posted on 2014-12-29 00:00:00 | by Teofila | [ Reply to This ]
      oooo pretty colors. dont tempt me with the assorted pretty colors...

    dude that was soooo freaking funny. i think its wayyyyy better then the 1-800-SUICIDE song.
    | Posted on 2006-08-16 00:00:00 | by DaGrimReaperess | [ Reply to This ]
      This is fantastic! I liked some of your other stuff, but this really does rock my boat..pop my shutter...that kinda thing.
    Yeah, so. I'm officially your biggest fan! This is hysterical, and I think all these weirdoa that go on about "Oh, but you wouldn't like it if you were me..." and all that can just not comment.
    A poem id an example of free speech after all. isn't it?
    Yeah. I think you should go into TV o something. You're hysterical!
    | Posted on 2005-07-13 00:00:00 | by writhe | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, because I'm nice and believe in second chances, I read it. I'm over my suicidal feelings, going on 2 years since. Yes, there are certainly those people who get depressed over stupid things, and don't think about anyone else. But when it was me, I prayed every night that God would not let me wake up in the morning because I would not kill myself, not because I was scared, but because I was worried about how it would affect my friends and family, mostly my 2 younger brothers and a certain friend. I didn't ever cut, or anything like that either. I wanted to work through it, but asked that if He would, God would take me home. Maybe my story is one-of-a-kind, but I don't find this or "Killing Myself" funny.
    | Posted on 2005-07-08 00:00:00 | by AngelOutlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      "Logic is a tool of desperation."

    That line caught my eye the most, besides that wonderful bit at the end that totally contradicted the rediculous advertisement. Ironically, the logic of the desperate is the logic that many advertisers count on, so you hit that point right on the head. Ok, so here's most of what I got from your piece:

    1) Advertisers don't care about you; they will sell you anything.
    2) Advertisers will go about any means necessary to get the targeted audience to buy, no matter how stupid it makes the targeted audience look or how many of the targeted audience it will destroy. (cigarette companies come to mind)
    3) Only the desperate use logic as a tool of desperation, since they are too hooked on their own emotions, wants, and needs to use logic for anything constructive.
    4) Dude, don't kill yourself. It's not worth it.
    5) No matter what you encounter in the world, there will always be little hints and little reasons why you should stay. No matter how bad it looks, you should always look closely, otherwise you'll miss the good things.

    Too bad the desperate don't examine things closely and they just look for a quick resolution.

    Brilliant, and nothing less. I really like the salesman Myx, he's very neat, cunning, convincing, and yet sentimental if you examine his words carefully. Nicely done.
    | Posted on 2004-12-22 00:00:00 | by eener | [ Reply to This ]
      Malignant MyX. Funny, in some sick way that I am partially embarrassed to admit. I like it, reminds me of the suicide booth in Futurama. You've got a brain and you aren't afraid to use it.
    | Posted on 2004-08-11 00:00:00 | by redthewitch | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh another thing...I think the disclaimer at the end about not killing yourself ranked right up there with the beer commericals telling people to drink responsibly.
    | Posted on 2004-07-27 00:00:00 | by angela~ | [ Reply to This ]
      Why not? They sell us everything else. Give the public what they are dying for. (Dying for, get it? nevermind..) I think this points out the ridiculousness of the advertising media willing to make a buck from anything, as it also points out the weakness of society. Quitters! Instead of riding out the emotional storm they are ready to just throw in the towel. Suicide is for lazy people.

    I was reading right along and then came to the Raid part. I must say that really poked me in the eye. Not that I thought it was badly written or anything. It's just that my sister once tried to poison me by spraying Raid in my food when my back was turned. Good thing I heard the hissing of the can. But that isn't suicide...that's attempted murder and has nothing to do with your poem.

    I liked the piece. Society needs it's nose tweaked and rubbed in the stupidity of it's own mess.
    | Posted on 2004-07-27 00:00:00 | by angela~ | [ Reply to This ]
      HAH. i can just see this actually coming on TV in a few months. i'm always looking for a good laugh. Keep 'em comin!

    | Posted on 2004-07-25 00:00:00 | by Astarael | [ Reply to This ]
      My first thought after reading this was "This is funny as hell!" But then I got to thinking, I know someone who I never thought of as wanting to kill himself who wanted to kill himself. On the other hand, I know SEVERAL people who scream "SUICIDE" just for attention and NEVER do it. So my final conclusion is I wish I could sent this to all the bullsh*tting suicide screaming people in the world and leave room for those who really need help. I found this funny, no it was hilarious. This is a serious subject and I think you handled it in a funny serious sort of way because the end summed it all up. DON'T KILL YOUR SELF.
    | Posted on 2004-07-25 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't agree with emo-tastic. They probably don't know you as well as I...you aren't trying to be sick. You just are :-P Poetry isn't always about being personal or sincere, it can be for entertainment. That's exactly what it is. Good entertainment. Great Satire. The infomercial take on the subject was one I was poking at for a while, but could never make work. It reminds me of the creepy infomercial from Requiem for a Dream...the "Don't kill your self," at the end was a nice touch. Perfectly capturing the mixed signals sent by the media. Good job, babe.
    | Posted on 2004-07-25 00:00:00 | by LadyChaos | [ Reply to This ]
      I kinda agree with emo-tastic. I think your trying to hard to be different, i think you should just be yourself and not this person you are trying to be. Well whatever, anyway I guess it was kinda funny. I mean an advertisement for death is really creative in a way. I'm glad you put that "Dont kill your self" message in the end, that tells the reader that you are some what part human.
    | Posted on 2004-07-25 00:00:00 | by Jan | [ Reply to This ]
      well this one made me laugh so hard!although some people are going to take this one the wrong way...but i honestly dont think ive laughed this hard for a while...yet again though why sucide???but thats ok.i have a neighbor who made something like this before though and i remember laughin really hard at that one...and i remember at the end he said that if you called in the next 5 minutes they would write your will for you...so maybe thats something u could put in here..lol..
    | Posted on 2004-07-24 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      I was surprised to see you post this, Heh, it was nice, and I liked the little subliminal message at the end "DON'T KILL YOUR SELF" right? It was nice, I used to be uber suicidal, and have attempted it before, I guess that bs is behind me now. I guess this could be percieved as insensitive, but who isn't?
    Oh well, this one was nice, it made me laugh a little, not a lot, but a little, rock on MyX, oh, and I love the new pic.

    | Posted on 2004-07-24 00:00:00 | by bloodwing | [ Reply to This ]
      i personally think this write is brilliant but anyone with twisted humor would think so...lol...an adervertisment to suicide...haha...the ending line wraps this write up perfectly...and the free chair who could turn down such an offer...smiles ange
    | Posted on 2004-07-24 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you're trying WAY too hard to be sick. And the whole 1-800-DIE-Today thing, is kind of clichéd, though it may sound cool. Yeah, there's definitely a song almost exactly like this 1-800-SUICIDE. You're trying so hard to be "original" and "shocking" none of this seems personal or sincere.
    | Posted on 2004-07-24 00:00:00 | by emo-tastic | [ Reply to This ]
      I need to know how the hell you write so well? everything of yours that I've read so far (other than forum posts:P) is incredible...it's almost too easy to relate to. there really aren't many ways of putting it this was [censored] hilarous. this is a great bash at how everything is advertised...lmao I am reading this laughing and I cut too...ppl need to get over their "why don't you feel as bad for me as I do?" [censored] and realize how stupid they are. I see people complaining that this piece 'shows no compassion' well I must be pretty twisted and [censored]ed up too but I think they get enough self-pity and compassion for all of us. that and who ever said you had to me compassionite? I'm just gonna say it now and avoid it later...you [censored] rock...I'm re-reading this and laughing twice as hard. thnx for writing.
    | Posted on 2005-10-30 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      I could only think as I read this that you must be so lucky to have never witnessed or experienced the depth of an emotional disorder or mental illness or you would be a bit more lenient on this subject and not find it quite so funny.

    I can tell you that when your heart feels as though it is bleeding tears and you are experiencing an internal battle to fight against the urgent need to just end the pain and you literally have to talk yourself out of swallowing 100 pills over and over and over as they lie on the bed next to you, that thoughts of suicide are not funny.

    Find a little empathy, my friend, and be grateful for what you have not had to deal with.
    | Posted on 2004-07-24 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
      that was hilarious! (sorry if it wasent ment to be) (my fav type of humor is satyrical) but anyway, it was fuking hilarious, thanks for writing it.
    | Posted on 2004-07-24 00:00:00 | by WD20x2 | [ Reply to This ]

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