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The lonely renegade


Author: expiring_touch
ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
Elite Ratio:    3.91 - 139 /260 /173
Words: 75
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1055
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 542



Description:




The lonely renegade



A blinding white loneliness from beyond the sun
Bursts into belligerent allegories
And scatters into every heart as a reminder,
As a splinter of ice,

Spattered with dark red,
A symbol for brother murder.

Listen to the insistent humming of the universe,
Thrashing black holes here and there
With its willful relentless fists -

Unrighteous.

My human soul, give up.

You are too weak to follow
This blighted rebel.




Submitted on 2010-04-02 14:29:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I think that this has potential but, in my opinion, is trying just a little too hard -- as though it could be paired down just barely.

For example: I think to end with 'You are too weak to follow.' would make the piece instantly stronger, as you have already implied 'this blighted rebel' in your title and previous use of imagery. To reiterate it at the end feels overdone.

Another small thought here:

And scatters into every heart as a reminder;
A splinter of ice

spattered with dark red --
A symbol for brother murder.


-- redefining the punctuation in this segment might let it flow better line to line. Especially like this bit:

Listen to the insistent humming of the universe,
Thrashing black holes here and there
With its willful relentless fists -


Hope that was kinda/sorta helpful.

-Emeya
| Posted on 2010-04-06 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
  i don't think that something has to be followed completely for it to mean.

you can listen to a song in another language and ...

you can...

you can...

and sorry, i wish i had better examples, or even 2, but i don't today.

my crit here would be that there's a lot that could be trimmed or adjusted so that this goes from a describing piece into a being piece. surely it's your job to drag the reader in and i think that usually the best way to do that is to have moment be, rather then be about the narrator describing them.

being v describing: a slapshod example...

white loneliness from beyond the sun
belligerent allegories
the burst and scatter of every heart
splinters of white ice,

obviously the dble of white is not ideal, but the point is this is fined down and then you could summarize and be quite profound in an extended length one liner. the one thing sets up the other, and if the mood is there that one line could be all the clarity you need.

better to be, imo, than not to be.



| Posted on 2010-04-03 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  I really struggle and fail here to understand what you are saying.
It seems about a comet stained in blood shrieking allegories, maybe about Cain and Abel. The universe is a blighted rebel thrashing black holes unrighteously???
And your soul is too weak to follow the rebel. Well, so is mine!
| Posted on 2010-04-02 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]


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