Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The lonely renegadedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    26/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.04 - 136/243/154
    Words: 75
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 544
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 542



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe lonely renegadedots
    -------------------------------------------


    A blinding white loneliness from beyond the sun
    Bursts into belligerent allegories
    And scatters into every heart as a reminder,
    As a splinter of ice,

    Spattered with dark red,
    A symbol for brother murder.

    Listen to the insistent humming of the universe,
    Thrashing black holes here and there
    With its willful relentless fists -

    Unrighteous.

    My human soul, give up.

    You are too weak to follow
    This blighted rebel.




    Submitted on 2010-04-02 14:29:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think that this has potential but, in my opinion, is trying just a little too hard -- as though it could be paired down just barely.

    For example: I think to end with 'You are too weak to follow.' would make the piece instantly stronger, as you have already implied 'this blighted rebel' in your title and previous use of imagery. To reiterate it at the end feels overdone.

    Another small thought here:

    And scatters into every heart as a reminder;
    A splinter of ice

    spattered with dark red --
    A symbol for brother murder.


    -- redefining the punctuation in this segment might let it flow better line to line. Especially like this bit:

    Listen to the insistent humming of the universe,
    Thrashing black holes here and there
    With its willful relentless fists -


    Hope that was kinda/sorta helpful.

    -Emeya
    | Posted on 2010-04-06 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      i don't think that something has to be followed completely for it to mean.

    you can listen to a song in another language and ...

    you can...

    you can...

    and sorry, i wish i had better examples, or even 2, but i don't today.

    my crit here would be that there's a lot that could be trimmed or adjusted so that this goes from a describing piece into a being piece. surely it's your job to drag the reader in and i think that usually the best way to do that is to have moment be, rather then be about the narrator describing them.

    being v describing: a slapshod example...

    white loneliness from beyond the sun
    belligerent allegories
    the burst and scatter of every heart
    splinters of white ice,

    obviously the dble of white is not ideal, but the point is this is fined down and then you could summarize and be quite profound in an extended length one liner. the one thing sets up the other, and if the mood is there that one line could be all the clarity you need.

    better to be, imo, than not to be.



    | Posted on 2010-04-03 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      I really struggle and fail here to understand what you are saying.
    It seems about a comet stained in blood shrieking allegories, maybe about Cain and Abel. The universe is a blighted rebel thrashing black holes unrighteously???
    And your soul is too weak to follow the rebel. Well, so is mine!
    | Posted on 2010-04-02 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    184218

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry