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Today I did something very strange. In a fit of sheer, grasping desperation I lifted my hands up, pressed my dry palms together towards the ceiling fraught with tiny holes from pushpins and amongst the noise of the building, the elated shrieks and mottled noise of various conversations I began to whisper in hushed tones to a god or God who may-or-may-not exist. I may-or-may-not have said “fuck” but I didn’t apologize to him or Him. I said dear god it’s been a while but right now I really need something and I can’t help myself anymore. And sometimes I can’t catch my breath, it only gets to the precipice of my throat but doesn’t fall off the cliff into my lungs, and sometimes when it gets really quiet in the room there’s this high-pitched ringing and it makes my ears and brain feel a little bit lonely. Also sometimes, I don’t know if it’s just me, but when I’m watching people walk along and like, animals and such, scurrying, I’m struck by this overwhelming monotony of life; we may have friends but why we may love each other and hate each other and hold hands with each other and go out but why. And I thought if you’re or You’re up there why don’t we float in the air and feast on clouds and why do we have worries and why do the planets orbit the sun in ellipses and not perfect circles? |
For when you truly see God as he truly is, it's such a beautiful relationship, a life becomes a burden that you can bear and are willing to bear.| Posted on 2010-04-08 00:00:00 | by xxiknownowxx | [ Reply to This ] | But at the same time It's exilerating. | | Posted on 2010-04-08 00:00:00 | by xxiknownowxx | [ Reply to This ] | Because of our choice to leave God. | It's quite depressing. | Posted on 2010-04-08 00:00:00 | by xxiknownowxx | [ Reply to This ] | |