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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Universe of Promisesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: metallichick786
    ASL Info:    32/F/Cali
    Elite Ratio:    2.79 - 78/85/52
    Words: 242
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1165
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1565



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Universe of Promisesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I lost myself
    today
    inside of your
    abyss

    A whirlwind of
    confusion
    when I began
    to reminisce

    Years have flown
    like
    empty souls
    withering
    with age

    Yet still
    I try to free my will
    within
    my hearts own cage

    I soothe the ache
    that pains in me
    with my own
    remedies

    Without success
    I always return
    to your
    entity

    An enigma is
    your imprint on me
    for I can't shake or free
    The ties you've bound
    hold no ground
    for I'll never
    walk free

    I contemplate
    and commemorate
    a time that we once
    loved

    A fallacy
    of normality
    that I can't help
    but trust

    A star has fallen
    on a starless night
    it shot me through the
    sky

    Within its fire
    burning light
    I rode inside your
    eye

    Past planets
    and galaxies
    I saw the once
    unknown

    A memory of
    pure ecstasy
    inside my mind is
    sewn

    I turn around
    to view the world
    so small and
    so bleak

    How thankful
    for the star that
    has taken me
    away

    And promises me
    I will not loose myself
    at least
    for today.




    Submitted on 2010-04-09 11:14:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Comment continued (part II).

    I've now reworked the rest of the poem into the same whimsical, somewhat absurdist style just by changing a few words per stanza (and in some cases removing some) and changing the stanzaic divisions into a large block. I hope you don't mind if I post this new version on my own page with credit given to you and a link to this original. I am utterly in love with this piece and can't wait to share it in this new format.

    Have a look and see how you like it. Also, please feel free to share your thoughts on this. I'd love to know what you think:

    I lost myself today
    Inside of your abyss:
    In a whirlwind of confusion
    I began to reminisce
    The years have flown like empty souls
    They're withering with age
    Yet still I try to free my will
    Within my heart's own cage
    I soothe the ache that pains in me
    With my own remedies
    Without success I always turn
    Back to your entity
    Your imprint is a mystery,
    One that I can't shake free
    The ties you've bound
    Can hold no ground
    For I'll never walk free
    I contemplate, commemorate
    A time that we once loved
    A fallacy of normity
    That I can't help but found
    A star fell on a starless night
    It shot me through the air
    Within its fire burning bright
    I rode inside your hair
    Past planets and past galaxies
    I saw the once unknown
    A memory of everything
    Inside my mind was sewn
    I turned around
    To see the world
    So bleak and oh so small
    How thankful
    To the star I was
    For bringing me so far
    How thankful
    To the star I was
    For taking me away
    And promised
    Not to lose myself,
    At least not for today




    ==========Original Poem==========

    A Universe of Promises
    -----------------------------


    I lost myself
    today
    inside of your
    abyss

    A whirlwind of
    confusion
    when I began
    to reminisce

    Years have flown
    like
    empty souls
    withering
    with age

    Yet still
    I try to free my will
    within
    my hearts own cage

    I soothe the ache
    that pains in me
    with my own
    remedies

    Without success
    I always return
    to your
    entity

    An enigma is
    your imprint on me
    for I can't shake or free
    The ties you've bound
    hold no ground
    for I'll never
    walk free

    I contemplate
    and commemorate
    a time that we once
    loved

    A fallacy
    of normality
    that I can't help
    but trust

    A star has fallen
    on a starless night
    it shot me through the
    sky

    Within its fire
    burning light
    I rode inside your
    eye

    Past planets
    and galaxies
    I saw the once
    unknown

    A memory of
    pure ecstasy
    inside my mind is
    sewn

    I turn around
    to view the world
    so small and
    so bleak

    How thankful
    for the star that
    has taken me
    away

    And promises me
    I will not loose myself
    at least
    for today.


    Notes:
    I soothe the ache that pains in me
    With my own remedies
    - This is one of the greatest lines I've ever read in any poem.

    The ties you've bound
    Can hold no ground
    For I'll never walk free
    - I also love this amazing stanza. There's an incredible enigmatic quality to it.

    I contemplate
    and commemorate
    a time that we once
    loved
    - This is also a BEAUTIFULLY written stanza. I love the way you pair contemplate and commemorate. The only thing I would have changed would be to delete the "and" between them and link them with a comma. This way you can hear the beats of the line, and it flows better: "I contemplate, commemorate a time that we once loved."

    - The seven concluding stanzas of the poem, describing a journey into space on a star, are incredibly evocative and thought provoking. They remind me of the age old metaphor for achieving truth by climbing to the highest possible vantage point. And you do it absolutely spectacularly here.

    - I love the amazing cyclical feeling of the poem, the way it starts with losing yourself and finishes with a promise not to lose yourself. The first time I read the ending, it struck me as so powerful, that I got chills down my spine.

    Thank you for posting this amazing, amazing composition!
    | Posted on 2012-09-19 00:00:00 | by isselman2001 | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't know how you will like this, but how about this strict format instead? I don't know how important stanzaic divisions are to you, but I prefer large blocks to tiny fragments. So I superimposed that onto the poem, and also changed several word choices to make the poem flow like a whimsical children's composition. I don't know if you'll like this, but this is my absolute favorite style of poem, and this is how I see your poem when I read it. You've done a fantastic job with the flow and rhyming, and (though I'm very biased) I think your work looks best in a format closer to this. The lack of punctuation also gives it a whimsical, Alice in Wonderland, kind of quality. Again, you might completely disagree with this and think it crap, but here is how I think your poem reads its best:

    I lost myself today
    Inside of your abyss:
    In a whirlwind of confusion
    I began to reminisce
    The years have flown like empty souls
    They're withering with age
    Yet still I try to free my will
    Within my heart's own cage
    I soothe the ache that pains in me
    With my own remedies
    Without success I always turn
    Back to your entity
    Your imprint is a mystery,
    One that I can't shake free
    The ties you've bound
    Can hold no ground
    For I'll never walk free

    etc.

    What do you think?
    | Posted on 2012-09-19 00:00:00 | by isselman2001 | [ Reply to This ]
      Outstanding pretty lady! The change in format accented the poem, and I think, really improved it.

    It is a wonderful poem; nice work!
    | Posted on 2010-08-10 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good! I'd suggest trying a different format that will accent your words, and bring a different meter which will accent and emphasize your meaning; example

    I lost myself
    today
    inside of your
    abyss

    A whirlwind of
    confusion
    when I began
    to reminise

    Years have flown
    like
    empty souls
    withering
    with age

    Yet still
    I try
    to free my will
    within
    my hearts own cage

    I soothe the ache
    that pains in me
    with my own
    remedies

    Without success
    I always return
    to your
    entity

    An enigma is
    your imprint on me
    for I
    can't
    shake it free

    (and so on)

    Anyway, you are to be complimented, for the whole poem tells a drammatic story, and is intriguing to read.

    Nice work.
    | Posted on 2010-08-09 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]


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    12. Does it feel original?



    184335

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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