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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Biology of Beginningdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HisNameIsNoMore
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    3.03 - 75/186/232
    Words: 54
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 664
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 315



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Biology of Beginningdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Awake, filer and purify, cauterize and rend, blistering from the feeling of grinding it out again. Swallow the poison air, chemical down time, breaking down barriers that restrain the absent mind. It moves in and out, like a shadow moving around a broken street halo, just waiting for that day of the new beginning.




    Submitted on 2010-04-12 17:34:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like this. It has a sudden burst of energy, and the commandment of awake in the beginning there brings the reader immediately into a riot of imagery -- like a great sweating machine, but somehow I found myself thinking of the human heart too.

    I have a couple of thoughts that have to do with pace, mainly, and the actual topography of the write. I think it will read smoother.

    Also, I assume that 'filer' is a noun? I was a little unclear on this, but if I assume right then I think the confusion came from the comma after 'awake' -- it is not needed.


    Awake filer! and purify,

    cauterize and rend, blistering from the feeling of grinding it out again. Swallow the poison air, chemical down time, breaking down barriers that restrain the absent mind. It moves in and out, like a shadow moving around a broken street halo, just waiting

    for that day of the new beginning.


    -- in breaking it up so, it allows a slower build up, which I think is useful with such a compact piece. It gives the reader more time, and maybe rather than being so linear, a corner to turn. If that makes sense.

    Of course, not saying that this is how it should be, just demonstrating some ideas, so maybe play around with some line breaks in there. I do thoroughly enjoy these bits of flash prose and am glad to find someone doing something with it.

    -Emeya
    | Posted on 2010-04-13 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]


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