Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Biology of Beginningdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HisNameIsNoMore
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    3.09 - 75/182/211
    Words: 54
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 483
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 315



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Biology of Beginningdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Awake, filer and purify, cauterize and rend, blistering from the feeling of grinding it out again. Swallow the poison air, chemical down time, breaking down barriers that restrain the absent mind. It moves in and out, like a shadow moving around a broken street halo, just waiting for that day of the new beginning.




    Submitted on 2010-04-12 17:34:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like this. It has a sudden burst of energy, and the commandment of awake in the beginning there brings the reader immediately into a riot of imagery -- like a great sweating machine, but somehow I found myself thinking of the human heart too.

    I have a couple of thoughts that have to do with pace, mainly, and the actual topography of the write. I think it will read smoother.

    Also, I assume that 'filer' is a noun? I was a little unclear on this, but if I assume right then I think the confusion came from the comma after 'awake' -- it is not needed.


    Awake filer! and purify,

    cauterize and rend, blistering from the feeling of grinding it out again. Swallow the poison air, chemical down time, breaking down barriers that restrain the absent mind. It moves in and out, like a shadow moving around a broken street halo, just waiting

    for that day of the new beginning.


    -- in breaking it up so, it allows a slower build up, which I think is useful with such a compact piece. It gives the reader more time, and maybe rather than being so linear, a corner to turn. If that makes sense.

    Of course, not saying that this is how it should be, just demonstrating some ideas, so maybe play around with some line breaks in there. I do thoroughly enjoy these bits of flash prose and am glad to find someone doing something with it.

    -Emeya
    | Posted on 2010-04-13 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    184395

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Relativity written by poetotoe
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    prison written by ShyOne
    Records I written by Raphael
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry