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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Flick, Click, Flickdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: hollowshell
    Elite Ratio:    2.85 - 39/40/14
    Words: 149
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 642
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1117



    Description:
       Random poem again. Just want thoughts, aint been writing too well recently.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFlick, Click, Flickdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Im slipping, and they don't know

    Flick, click, flick.
    The Zippo's scent intrudes, a common trick.
    The ciggarette lingers.

    A song plays, pulsating through my zone,
    "and Jesus, im ready to come home".
    But, alas i'm all on my own.

    Im slipping, and they don't know

    Flick, click, flick.
    My ciggarette burns, the smoke so thick.
    The clouds lingers.

    A song plays, her familliar tone,
    "Jesus, shouldn't you go home?"
    But, alas i'm all on my own.

    Im slipping, and they don't know.
    My fight inside, I cannot show.
    The feelings hidden, my intentions, no.
    For help, I seek, I cannot go.

    Flick, click, flick.
    The Zippo shines, my mother's pick.
    The ciggarette gone.

    A song plays, distorting my head,
    "and Jesus, the things I'd wish I'd said."
    But alas, im buried and dead.

    Im slipping, and they don't know




    Submitted on 2010-04-13 19:28:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      While the concept is one easily identifiable, the peice itself needs work.

    You had a pattern established with,
    "Im slipping, and they don't know"
    Followed by,
    "Flick, Click, Flick"
    Then wrapped up with,
    "A song plays"

    You broke the pattern with, "Im slipping, and they don't know. My fight inside, I cannot show. The feelings hidden, my intentions, no. For help, I seek, I cannot go."

    The other distractions technical errors (almost ll of your I'ms look like im or Im) and the spelling of cigarette. The overall tone of the words you use are not the same. Example: don't and cannot are both in one stanza. There is nothing technically wrong with it, but it knda bugs me.

    Hopefully Helpful.
    Carrie:)
    | Posted on 2010-04-17 00:00:00 | by Carosuel | [ Reply to This ]
      This is one of my favorites now; I noticed before, but I didn't take time to read it. Now I wish I'd read it sooner.

    I mostly identify with the line "I'm slipping, and they don't know" mainly because I know so many people, yet no one really knows ME. They don't know what I want to be, don't know my fears... they can't even remember my birthday.

    I truly love this poem, and it doesn't matter when you haven't been writing well; everyone has their ups and downs. Just hang in there. :)
    | Posted on 2010-04-15 00:00:00 | by LaylaViolet | [ Reply to This ]


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