[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Flick, Click, Flickdots

    Author: hollowshell
    Elite Ratio:    2.85 - 39/40/14
    Words: 149
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 642
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1117

       Random poem again. Just want thoughts, aint been writing too well recently.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFlick, Click, Flickdots

    Im slipping, and they don't know

    Flick, click, flick.
    The Zippo's scent intrudes, a common trick.
    The ciggarette lingers.

    A song plays, pulsating through my zone,
    "and Jesus, im ready to come home".
    But, alas i'm all on my own.

    Im slipping, and they don't know

    Flick, click, flick.
    My ciggarette burns, the smoke so thick.
    The clouds lingers.

    A song plays, her familliar tone,
    "Jesus, shouldn't you go home?"
    But, alas i'm all on my own.

    Im slipping, and they don't know.
    My fight inside, I cannot show.
    The feelings hidden, my intentions, no.
    For help, I seek, I cannot go.

    Flick, click, flick.
    The Zippo shines, my mother's pick.
    The ciggarette gone.

    A song plays, distorting my head,
    "and Jesus, the things I'd wish I'd said."
    But alas, im buried and dead.

    Im slipping, and they don't know

    Submitted on 2010-04-13 19:28:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      While the concept is one easily identifiable, the peice itself needs work.

    You had a pattern established with,
    "Im slipping, and they don't know"
    Followed by,
    "Flick, Click, Flick"
    Then wrapped up with,
    "A song plays"

    You broke the pattern with, "Im slipping, and they don't know. My fight inside, I cannot show. The feelings hidden, my intentions, no. For help, I seek, I cannot go."

    The other distractions technical errors (almost ll of your I'ms look like im or Im) and the spelling of cigarette. The overall tone of the words you use are not the same. Example: don't and cannot are both in one stanza. There is nothing technically wrong with it, but it knda bugs me.

    Hopefully Helpful.
    | Posted on 2010-04-17 00:00:00 | by Carosuel | [ Reply to This ]
      This is one of my favorites now; I noticed before, but I didn't take time to read it. Now I wish I'd read it sooner.

    I mostly identify with the line "I'm slipping, and they don't know" mainly because I know so many people, yet no one really knows ME. They don't know what I want to be, don't know my fears... they can't even remember my birthday.

    I truly love this poem, and it doesn't matter when you haven't been writing well; everyone has their ups and downs. Just hang in there. :)
    | Posted on 2010-04-15 00:00:00 | by LaylaViolet | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Outlaw
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]