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    dots Submission Name: Besought (revised)dots

    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    26/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 136/243/156
    Words: 100
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 526
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 633


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBesought (revised)dots

    The balustrades are crumbling at Versailles,
    The darkened posts of sintered dust and tears;
    Iíve climbed them, nail by nail, and wine to wine, -
    And now Iíve time to question my deference.

    Forsaken, here we shape the end of times
    in both our hands to fingerprint -
    What are we, little one? -
    Time left is left bereft by right, -

    If there are ghouls that lurk
    Behind the first spring leaves
    And insipid of petal,
    Than that is us,
    Without a doubt, or outcome,
    Two crossed pieces of stained metal.

    Submitted on 2010-04-21 14:16:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
    "The balustrades are crumbling at Versailles,"

    -- I really like this opening line. It is the use of balustrades. It is an elegant, foreign word that so suits the shapes it's meant to name. I also like the use of 'sintered' and it helps the use of 'dust' and 'tears' from being too overwrought.

    Couple small thoughts:

    Maybe change 'I've' in S1L4 to 'I have' only because 'I've time' sounds a bit compacted to me. But that is me.

    I think, perhaps, a semi-colon could be placed after 'Forsaken' to give more pause. Also 'And insipid of petal,' sounds off. Maybe 'and insipid petal' or maybe I'm just reading it wrong.

    I especially like the conclusion, this sort of joining together, it takes a turn, but reflects back on the piece well, in what it was leading up to. So -- somewhat gothic in tone, but charming, too.

    | Posted on 2010-04-23 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]

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