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Besought (revised)


Author: expiring_touch
ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
Elite Ratio:    3.94 - 139 /256 /171
Words: 100
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1020
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 637



Description:




Besought (revised)



The balustrades are crumbling at Versailles,
The darkened posts of sintered dust and tears;
I’ve climbed them, nail by nail, and wine to wine, -
And now I’ve time to question my deference.

Forsaken, here we shape the end of times
in both our hands to fingerprint -
What are we, little one? -
Time left is left bereft by right, -
Belligerent.

If there are ghouls that lurk
Behind the first spring leaves
And insipid of petal,
Than that is us,
Without a doubt, or outcome,
Two crossed pieces of stained metal.




Submitted on 2010-04-21 14:16:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  
"The balustrades are crumbling at Versailles,"

-- I really like this opening line. It is the use of balustrades. It is an elegant, foreign word that so suits the shapes it's meant to name. I also like the use of 'sintered' and it helps the use of 'dust' and 'tears' from being too overwrought.

Couple small thoughts:

Maybe change 'I've' in S1L4 to 'I have' only because 'I've time' sounds a bit compacted to me. But that is me.

I think, perhaps, a semi-colon could be placed after 'Forsaken' to give more pause. Also 'And insipid of petal,' sounds off. Maybe 'and insipid petal' or maybe I'm just reading it wrong.

I especially like the conclusion, this sort of joining together, it takes a turn, but reflects back on the piece well, in what it was leading up to. So -- somewhat gothic in tone, but charming, too.

-Emeya
| Posted on 2010-04-23 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]


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