[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Besought (revised)dots

    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    3.95 - 139/254/170
    Words: 100
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 980
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 633


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBesought (revised)dots

    The balustrades are crumbling at Versailles,
    The darkened posts of sintered dust and tears;
    Iíve climbed them, nail by nail, and wine to wine, -
    And now Iíve time to question my deference.

    Forsaken, here we shape the end of times
    in both our hands to fingerprint -
    What are we, little one? -
    Time left is left bereft by right, -

    If there are ghouls that lurk
    Behind the first spring leaves
    And insipid of petal,
    Than that is us,
    Without a doubt, or outcome,
    Two crossed pieces of stained metal.

    Submitted on 2010-04-21 14:16:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
    "The balustrades are crumbling at Versailles,"

    -- I really like this opening line. It is the use of balustrades. It is an elegant, foreign word that so suits the shapes it's meant to name. I also like the use of 'sintered' and it helps the use of 'dust' and 'tears' from being too overwrought.

    Couple small thoughts:

    Maybe change 'I've' in S1L4 to 'I have' only because 'I've time' sounds a bit compacted to me. But that is me.

    I think, perhaps, a semi-colon could be placed after 'Forsaken' to give more pause. Also 'And insipid of petal,' sounds off. Maybe 'and insipid petal' or maybe I'm just reading it wrong.

    I especially like the conclusion, this sort of joining together, it takes a turn, but reflects back on the piece well, in what it was leading up to. So -- somewhat gothic in tone, but charming, too.

    | Posted on 2010-04-23 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]