Besought (revised)
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Description:
Besought (revised)
The balustrades are crumbling at Versailles, The darkened posts of sintered dust and tears; I’ve climbed them, nail by nail, and wine to wine, - And now I’ve time to question my deference. Forsaken, here we shape the end of times in both our hands to fingerprint - What are we, little one? - Time left is left bereft by right, - Belligerent. If there are ghouls that lurk Behind the first spring leaves And insipid of petal, Than that is us, Without a doubt, or outcome, Two crossed pieces of stained metal. |
Submitted on 2010-04-21 14:16:21 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| "The balustrades are crumbling at Versailles," -- I really like this opening line. It is the use of balustrades. It is an elegant, foreign word that so suits the shapes it's meant to name. I also like the use of 'sintered' and it helps the use of 'dust' and 'tears' from being too overwrought. Couple small thoughts: Maybe change 'I've' in S1L4 to 'I have' only because 'I've time' sounds a bit compacted to me. But that is me. I think, perhaps, a semi-colon could be placed after 'Forsaken' to give more pause. Also 'And insipid of petal,' sounds off. Maybe 'and insipid petal' or maybe I'm just reading it wrong. I especially like the conclusion, this sort of joining together, it takes a turn, but reflects back on the piece well, in what it was leading up to. So -- somewhat gothic in tone, but charming, too. -Emeya | Posted on 2010-04-23 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ] | |
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