The balustrades are crumbling at Versailles,
The darkened posts of sintered dust and tears;
I’ve climbed them, nail by nail, and wine to wine, -
And now I’ve time to question my deference.
Forsaken, here we shape the end of times
in both our hands to fingerprint -
What are we, little one? -
Time left is left bereft by right, -
If there are ghouls that lurk
Behind the first spring leaves
And insipid of petal,
Than that is us,
Without a doubt, or outcome,
Two crossed pieces of stained metal.
"The balustrades are crumbling at Versailles,"
-- I really like this opening line. It is the use of balustrades. It is an elegant, foreign word that so suits the shapes it's meant to name. I also like the use of 'sintered' and it helps the use of 'dust' and 'tears' from being too overwrought.
Couple small thoughts:
Maybe change 'I've' in S1L4 to 'I have' only because 'I've time' sounds a bit compacted to me. But that is me.
I think, perhaps, a semi-colon could be placed after 'Forsaken' to give more pause. Also 'And insipid of petal,' sounds off. Maybe 'and insipid petal' or maybe I'm just reading it wrong.
I especially like the conclusion, this sort of joining together, it takes a turn, but reflects back on the piece well, in what it was leading up to. So -- somewhat gothic in tone, but charming, too.
|| Posted on 2010-04-23 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ] |