Description: This isn't a reference to drugs in any way. Had the comment that it sounded like drugs.
Don't take anything to seriously. There isn't much of a creative or artistic style to this...just words.
Green Team -------------------------------------------
make it real
once this is done, it is done
and in many cases it is
when you wake up or sit up
an itch has to be scratched,
make it real
and don't cry
and notice your own
falling on your face is human nature
you need to fall on your face
and be grateful
even though your so self involved that you can't imagine pain beyond your pain
restlessness beyond your four bedroom walls
whatever constricts you
things could always be infinitely worse
See this doesn't come across as pointless to me. I think a poem doesnt have to be poetic, and this gives the affect needed for this particular message.
I like the way this is constructed, it is very much to the point, straight talking, which is what I think the message is trying to get across - Just take what you've got and get on with it. I like the disjointed rhythm as well, I think it works, I feel like if it was spoken out loud the disjointed rhythm would keep people on there toes, keep them interested.
I think the ending works well too, very abrupt and too the point. However saying all this I think it could still be improved and worked on. It has a strong beggining and very strong ending but I think the first 5 stanzas could be worked on and made stronger.
Apart from that I think it is a poem with meaning, as I see meaning in it and a message that you obviously strongly believe in.
Why just words?
Why not try and actually put feelings and thoughts that mean something, even if no one else understand it, it at least would make sense to have. For if these are just words, then wouldn't it be the same as me writing a "poem" wit h just words and it end up being like this:
I ate a p and
These walls are
p i n k.
Eyes, clothes, hair, ears,
blind chickens run and I
write this here.
Lol. I'm not bashing you, just trying to give encouragement to write something other than meaningless words!