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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Green Teamdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 137
    Class/Type: Prose/Serious
    Total Views: 508
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 986



    Description:
       This isn't a reference to drugs in any way. Had the comment that it sounded like drugs.
    Don't take anything to seriously. There isn't much of a creative or artistic style to this...just words.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGreen Teamdots
    -------------------------------------------


    make it real
    don
    t
    turn around
    or complain

    once this is done, it is done
    and in many cases it is

    when you wake up or sit up
    thinking about
    everything
    don't think
    stop thinking

    an itch has to be scratched,
    this challenge
    fucking answered

    make it real
    and don't cry
    and notice your own
    tears

    falling on your face is human nature
    you need to fall on your face

    thus humility

    and be grateful
    even though your so self involved that you can't imagine pain beyond your pain
    restlessness beyond your four bedroom walls
    workroom walls
    jail walls
    bars
    mind
    whatever constricts you
    things could always be infinitely worse

    someone gave me a tree
    and I took it







    Submitted on 2010-04-26 07:31:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      See this doesn't come across as pointless to me. I think a poem doesnt have to be poetic, and this gives the affect needed for this particular message.

    I like the way this is constructed, it is very much to the point, straight talking, which is what I think the message is trying to get across - Just take what you've got and get on with it. I like the disjointed rhythm as well, I think it works, I feel like if it was spoken out loud the disjointed rhythm would keep people on there toes, keep them interested.

    I think the ending works well too, very abrupt and too the point. However saying all this I think it could still be improved and worked on. It has a strong beggining and very strong ending but I think the first 5 stanzas could be worked on and made stronger.

    Apart from that I think it is a poem with meaning, as I see meaning in it and a message that you obviously strongly believe in.
    | Posted on 2010-04-30 00:00:00 | by xdollpartsx | [ Reply to This ]
      Why just words?
    Why not try and actually put feelings and thoughts that mean something, even if no one else understand it, it at least would make sense to have. For if these are just words, then wouldn't it be the same as me writing a "poem" wit h just words and it end up being like this:

    I ate a p and
    j
    SANDWITCH.

    These walls are
    p i n k.
    Eyes, clothes, hair, ears,
    blind chickens run and I
    write this here.

    Lol. I'm not bashing you, just trying to give encouragement to write something other than meaningless words!
    <3
    | Posted on 2010-04-26 00:00:00 | by xxiknownowxx | [ Reply to This ]


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