Description: Lots of stuff going on right now I wouldn't even know where to begin but it is all sort of strung together and a little too personal to actually say.
Lets just leave it as... life is tough, but we deal, no matter how hard it is to.
Feel this -------------------------------------------
There are some days
Where I think about seeing someone
Talking to someone
But when I reach out
And think about my next word
My chest feels empty
And my eyes are flooded
Drowned in bitter memories.
I judge people now.
I judge people because they don't have an incurable disease.
And they haven't been violated
like I have.
I judge people because they believe abortion is genocide
And I believe that its giving life to people who aren't otherwise inclined.
I judge people
Because they don't have a pot smoking boyfriend
Who would do anything for them
Because he feels guilty
I judge people because they can feel love and hope and lust
And all I feel is empty.
I judge 'em because they look
like they are waiting to get hurt
And I want to scream my lungs out
to tell them
but my voice is hollow
and I've gone too mad
To make coherent sense
[He hung himself]
Because they wouldn't let him become a him
Even though he already had
We live such lives that on the outside look
If there was such a thing
And behind closed doors
Parents fight in different countries
Children cry with bruised eyes and cracked lips
Bleeding at the knees
Women fight to keep their clothes on
And men fight to stop wars
So they don't have to be home
And admit they are gay.
You always wonder what if
And you forget what the sun looks like at noon
What a star looked like
If it fell on your head
Maybe you wouldn't feel so burned.
And if you never had to say goodbye
If that empty chest stayed empty
And you could just let it go
Too bad we all want to feel
[I judge people
they judge me back
And there is nothing
I can do about it]
"Hung" should probably be "hanged" if it was a suicide.
I don't really like commenting on the make of the verse, because you're telling us about reality and every line is understandable! The large theme too. So it is a successful poem.
I noticed that you don't make metaphors, except the star line. But your verse is still figurative, since you have this technique of giving examples of what you mean by mentioning some people and the situations they're in! This is a revelation to me ... I never noticed it as a separate technique before! But it's your natural way of thought and expression, I guess, and it certainly does make strong meanings with strong feelings.
YOu are sad, you are depressed but like you have made clear to myself you have hope, or at least thats what I'd like to believe, your words make me worry without knowing you, no judgemente involved, I love the way your artistic partner flows and it is because it is real, raw and true, try thinking of the light you already told me of and you will see that with it you will still be able to write beautiful things like this but without the need to shatter your heart into each stanza.
I thought this was going the way of typical depression, judging (oh yes, judging) by the first stanza. Seems as though you started writing and ended up getting it all out.
I just commented on another piece of yours, suggesting that you might brush up on punctuation, go back through and put capitalization only where you want it-- not necessarily at the beginning of each line. I think format and thoughtful, creative editing could do much more justice to these words.
And these words... I don't agree that you should pare any of them down. Keep them all. They're all fantastic, perhaps with the exception of a few lines in the first stanza? I just think the opening isn't strong enough for the rest of the piece.
Get creative and deliberate with your technical faculties, and your content will shine even brighter. Great write.
"Lots of stuff gong on right now" you typed in your description there, and after reading it would seem so! And like you're trying to fit it all into one poem --- not the easiest of tasks.
This started to get interesting with "I judge people now" and the further elaborations on how you judge people. It is such a very interesting and bold thing to admit, and your examples are also intriguing.
And so I found your first stanza to be unnecessary and a little...dull. Only in that the word choice is not particularly grabbing, nor the idea behind it. Hm, that reads a little offensive -- I don't intend for it to be. What I'm ultimately saying is that you support what that first stanza says in other aspects of the write, and so it's not needed and you wouldn't be taking away from the piece to eliminate it.
If that made any sense as I tried failingly to walk on eggshells.
Again: really like this judging thing. It's good reading, and provides unique perspective on things -- a way of looking at things at a different angle.
Overall, I think that you could focus in on some parts, and pare down others and go from good to great in just a little editing, should you want to. And if not, like I said, it's good stuff. Deep rooted both personally and socially.
Also, I was looking at your description and I think I can relate. You were vague becase it is personal, but I think from your piece I have been in similar situations. I hope you get some healing and peace soon. You may want to check my page and see what I'm talking about. So if you decide to read my work leave a comment and let me know you are o.k. Keep your head up and keep writing and moving foward.
I loved it in beginning, then it was like a different poem. It just kind of thru me off track. I think it has potential to be a really great piece. I think & it is just my opinion you should wait until your in a melencholy writing mood when things just flow. Then go back and play with it. It is yours and you may never touch it again, if you do I would love to reread it. Keep rocking them out and posting them.