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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Flipdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HisNameIsNoMore
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    3.09 - 75/182/213
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 621
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 627



    Description:
       T.B.C


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Flipdots
    -------------------------------------------


    With out the sweet, the bitter sweet effects of our affecting actions we would fail to understand what it is we truly seek.
    A vicious cycle of return, like karma it comes back with weight, pushing down any direction we look to turn.
    Destination happiness can be lost at a moments notice.
    So which do you seek? A or B?
    What is this? A coin tarnished and forgotten worth nothing but the ability it holds.
    Tomorrow I will no longer choose my own.

    If you could look back at all you've seen, would it be ignorant of me to wish that I had flipped for everything.





    Submitted on 2010-04-26 18:57:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Flora is a bit bossy for my taste...but she has some valid points -- in that this could be broken up a bit more. I do, however, like your wording and turn of phrase.

    If I may?

    With out the sweet, the bitter sweet
    effects of our affecting actions
    we would fail to understand what it is we truly seek.

    A vicious cycle of return, like karma
    it comes back with weight, pushing down
    any direction we look to turn.

    Destination happiness can be lost at a moments notice.
    So which do you seek? A or B?

    What is this? A coin tarnished and forgotten
    [is?] worth nothing but the ability it holds.
    Tomorrow I will no longer choose my own.

    If you could look back at all you've seen,
    would it be ignorant of me to wish
    that I had flipped for everything[?]


    I especially like this last bit here. Good question. It's a build up that boils down to that final line and I like when poetry does this. The writing shows turmoil as well, a frustration, almost, in the complexity and somewhat impossibility life carries at times.

    So yeah, some thoughts here. And sounds like you have more to ad, so carry on.

    -Emeya
    | Posted on 2010-04-28 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      It has a very valid point, and has a lot of potiential.
    Maybe it was a great one that popped in your had n you wanted to get it ou really quick. What ever the case it is intersting, I just believe there is more to it. You might go back, read it, rearrange some of it and add or take from it. It's good, keep on writng. Thanks for putting it out there.
    Mistiekidd
    | Posted on 2010-04-26 00:00:00 | by mistiekidd | [ Reply to This ]
      I kind of had to keep rereading this to get the point right. You have to be more sincere with your words instead of just throwing them in there. For example, the 'sweet, the bitter sweet' is too much at once, as well as the affecting actions, if you are going to continue using repetition and alliterations, maybe split up the lines or something, you are bombarding the reader so much that they miss the point.
    Same goes for the 'return' and 'turn' bit, find your own way to say it that leaves the reader more interested in your personal style.
    Also decide if you want it to be about the 'we,' 'they,' 'me,' or 'you,' leaving it to all these makes the read confusing and hard to focus on.
    Sorry for the harsh criticism, you make a good point and I like how it ends, you just have to work on the organization and wording a little.

    flora
    | Posted on 2010-04-26 00:00:00 | by blankscreen | [ Reply to This ]


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