Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Flipdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HisNameIsNoMore
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    3.08 - 75/182/217
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 675
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 627



    Description:
       T.B.C


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Flipdots
    -------------------------------------------


    With out the sweet, the bitter sweet effects of our affecting actions we would fail to understand what it is we truly seek.
    A vicious cycle of return, like karma it comes back with weight, pushing down any direction we look to turn.
    Destination happiness can be lost at a moments notice.
    So which do you seek? A or B?
    What is this? A coin tarnished and forgotten worth nothing but the ability it holds.
    Tomorrow I will no longer choose my own.

    If you could look back at all you've seen, would it be ignorant of me to wish that I had flipped for everything.





    Submitted on 2010-04-26 18:57:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Flora is a bit bossy for my taste...but she has some valid points -- in that this could be broken up a bit more. I do, however, like your wording and turn of phrase.

    If I may?

    With out the sweet, the bitter sweet
    effects of our affecting actions
    we would fail to understand what it is we truly seek.

    A vicious cycle of return, like karma
    it comes back with weight, pushing down
    any direction we look to turn.

    Destination happiness can be lost at a moments notice.
    So which do you seek? A or B?

    What is this? A coin tarnished and forgotten
    [is?] worth nothing but the ability it holds.
    Tomorrow I will no longer choose my own.

    If you could look back at all you've seen,
    would it be ignorant of me to wish
    that I had flipped for everything[?]


    I especially like this last bit here. Good question. It's a build up that boils down to that final line and I like when poetry does this. The writing shows turmoil as well, a frustration, almost, in the complexity and somewhat impossibility life carries at times.

    So yeah, some thoughts here. And sounds like you have more to ad, so carry on.

    -Emeya
    | Posted on 2010-04-28 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      It has a very valid point, and has a lot of potiential.
    Maybe it was a great one that popped in your had n you wanted to get it ou really quick. What ever the case it is intersting, I just believe there is more to it. You might go back, read it, rearrange some of it and add or take from it. It's good, keep on writng. Thanks for putting it out there.
    Mistiekidd
    | Posted on 2010-04-26 00:00:00 | by mistiekidd | [ Reply to This ]
      I kind of had to keep rereading this to get the point right. You have to be more sincere with your words instead of just throwing them in there. For example, the 'sweet, the bitter sweet' is too much at once, as well as the affecting actions, if you are going to continue using repetition and alliterations, maybe split up the lines or something, you are bombarding the reader so much that they miss the point.
    Same goes for the 'return' and 'turn' bit, find your own way to say it that leaves the reader more interested in your personal style.
    Also decide if you want it to be about the 'we,' 'they,' 'me,' or 'you,' leaving it to all these makes the read confusing and hard to focus on.
    Sorry for the harsh criticism, you make a good point and I like how it ends, you just have to work on the organization and wording a little.

    flora
    | Posted on 2010-04-26 00:00:00 | by blankscreen | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    184642

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Linger written by saartha
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Giving written by jjd
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Bond written by saartha
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Wavelength written by saartha
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    This written by Chelebel
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Push written by JanePlane
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Incubus written by monad
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    new moon written by CrypticBard

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry