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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: veins burning in the key of october.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: caster
    ASL Info:    31.M.MO
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 136/280/161
    Words: 105
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 723
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 726



    Description:
       about: her.

    feedback: just feelings. did it strike a nerve? dig up a memory? make you sick? etc. i don't want to know what words you'd change or how the 'structure' is off, or 'why don't you capitalize?'. just feelings. honest feelings.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsveins burning in the key of october.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    sun fell down
    hands tremble,
    just to feel like home
    remembering whatever
    brings you down

    /ink to put you underground
    just below the ocean
    i saw in your eyes

    moon rose up
    lungs stutter,
    a warning you've found
    forgetting the lessons
    this should have formed

    /hurt to take you off a pedastal
    just enough to let you know
    i put you there

    black-eye ceiling
    is this really what you wanted?
    cause i'll settle in,
    but i haven't slept in days

    /ache to set these words to music
    and dig them up to you;
    do you come down or dance?




    Submitted on 2010-04-28 15:16:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This

    /hurt to take you off a pedastal
    just enough to let you know
    i put you there

    makes me ache.

    I honestly can't say more. Amazing.
    | Posted on 2010-05-01 00:00:00 | by opheliasank | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem is very beautiful! I was impressed by the creative words you used and the originality of your lines. There were no clichés, this was all from the heart. Furthermore, I really enjoyed the flow of the lines as they feel almost like a song and were very easy to follow. Overall you conveyed the feelings of being trapped to me that I could really relate to. It was edgy and dark but still relatable to the everyday person. Bravo!

    --Jamie--
    | Posted on 2010-04-28 00:00:00 | by Anneboleyn707 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
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