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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mindfielddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Soul-Hugger
    ASL Info:    33/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 409/221/65
    Words: 95
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 867
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 632



    Description:
       Found this scrawled in an old book.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMindfielddots
    -------------------------------------------


    The sky has opened, spitting fire,
    The sun has been erased.
    There's nothing left to take away,
    And no more fears to face.

    But now the arrow pierces through
    Scarred flesh that's barely healed;
    Another wound to drain the life,
    Another fate is sealed.

    No energy to plan next moves,
    With arms too weak to flail
    And lips too numb to shout last words,
    All hope has been assailed.

    No place to run and thus escape;
    No things to hide behind;
    My enemies surround me,
    And their leader is my mind.




    Submitted on 2010-04-30 17:59:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This sounds like it came from a dark place, or atleast a dark mindset at the time. BUT DARK IS GOOD TOO. I enjoyed the use of the title, how it plays between the mind and explosives so you def. had me from the start. You write as if all hope is lost which works well for this short piece. However I think what ties it all together has to be the ending because with my experience/knowledge of mental health I have found that the hardest enemy to overcome is the one within. You can never escape yourself, so when your mind turns against you, where can you run??

    Awesome job!
    -AERE
    | Posted on 2011-11-20 00:00:00 | by AEREASSAULT | [ Reply to This ]
      The first paragraph, why didn't you try something that had fit more with the sentence;

    'The sun has been erased.'

    And not;

    'There's nothing left to take away,'

    I'd put something to give chemistry to that, because frankly, I found the line lovely, and I'd put something more like;

    'There's nothing left to light.'

    But that's what I would do, and basically, you're not me.
    Just an opinion.

    But other than this, I found this prose very odd, different, unique, and that's good.

    I like odd things.

    And maybe, this wasn't even meant to be that, but in a way, you made it sound so.

    And I like that, too.
    | Posted on 2011-09-17 00:00:00 | by MyPeriodical | [ Reply to This ]
      i feel drained from the storm that has been my life...my emotions have no more shelter...

    i am in some war with the nature of pain...it's in my mind and my enemies are all around..
    i am surrounded by myself...

    the planes want to bomb away my past but they are flying funny because the are weighed down with too much baggage and may crash before i can get rid of my negativity...

    damn..i really liked the way this was put together..

    nice use of sun, storm, etc to talk about anger and pain..

    a flash of lightning striking the reader.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-04-12 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      As... sordid as it all sounds, I get the feeling you're talking about moving. Changing spaces again, trying to reform life, the fate being sealed. That you're stuck where you are, although there was a choice to begin with. You have to make this your own again, despite the reopened wounds and the flinging arrows.
    Maybe it's not a physical move, but a forced moved- you've had to shift your state of mind, and it controls everything, your mind the "field", controlling aspects of this change. From the sound of it all, it wasn't expected. There's a feeling of shock, sadness, acceptance. Settling, which is the root of every problem, isn't it? Settling for people you don't want, the way they are, or even locations, circumstances. Anything. People become complicated wanting what they demand, and difficult to navigate if you have to settle with them being that way.
    No place to run and thus escape;
    No things to hide behind;
    My enemies surround me,
    And their leader is my mind

    I laugh and think of my mother here. Or mother figures. You just can't hide from them. And you control them. Minions!
    All around, a good piece. A little on the young, naive angst side. This is the second piece I comment on and it's from your past. So please refer me to your newer pieces.
    | Posted on 2010-07-06 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]
      Good stuff. I enjoyed this as it's actually pretty clever. Together with the other parts, the second stanza comes across as pretty viceral and yeah I mean it goes nicely beyond you simply venting. I loved the title and intelligent choice of words, this is pretty good for something you found in a notebook I have to say.
    | Posted on 2010-05-01 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]


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