Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Try not to Die but Closedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 285
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 406
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1703



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTry not to Die but Closedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Death is not enough
    It won't repay the things I've done
    It can't take away your pain
    Or the scars that I have drawn

    No reason is enough
    All excuses far too dry
    If I knew you didn't need me
    I'm more than prepared to die

    I have no right to complain
    About the pain I'm in
    Every breath may hurt
    But far less than this sin

    And I know I can't make it better
    Redemtion will never be close
    I always thought I'd be best for you
    But I'm not even better than most

    I'm not sure why you care
    If I live or die alone
    But I guess death is too easy
    Too much so for my wrongs

    And I tried, but I guess
    I lost my mind at some point there
    And I'd lie if I said I don't regret
    What you went through was not fair

    So put me there... I'm hurting already for you
    But I know good and well that's not the best you can do
    My heart cries for what I've made you endure
    But there's more blood and room for it to hurt a bit more

    I live for you, I'll live in pain
    Whatever you need I'm your fool
    I'm not that person anymore
    But I have no right to be with you

    If me dying would hurt you so
    I wish I were blind instead
    Claw my eyes out while I cry
    And make me dumb, brain dead

    I want to be your best
    But I was far from that place
    The scum of the earth, such lowlife
    It loves you so and wears my face




    Submitted on 2010-05-06 01:08:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Dang this was good; I had to reread this whole thing just because it was good. I like how you seem to under stand death better then death itself. Even though the feelings seem to push and yet at the same time pull, you have emphasis on the sensitivity you carry about the other person then you do for your self. And though you donít feel rite for the person and sometimes want the quicker way out you seem to still hold more of the honor for the individual and just carry the burden and better of the worst for the other person so they keep going. And the best lines I like describing that

    If me dying would hurt you so
    I wish I were blind instead
    Claw my eyes out while I cry
    And make me dumb, brain dead.

    Like your saying that you go further then death just to make things rites. And I also like to say that I agree with torch about that last stanza,

    It loves you so and wears my face,

    About wearing your face. So much people put so much in wearing the emotions on there faces or just painting them. But here wearing it points out how much more that you become more of a slave to such stress then you looking for it, or how much it has become like a pet, not the words I want to use but the only thing that makes sense, and then chose you as a victim. But ya I like it a lot hope to read more.


    Faid
    | Posted on 2010-05-07 00:00:00 | by faideddarkness | [ Reply to This ]
      Honestly I love this, honestly.

    I have no idea why no one has commented yet but let me be the first to do so. First the rhyme scheme of this was great without taking away from the punch of the write. Although I believe you might have gotten off beat in one stanza which kinda had me wondering. I can understand that though when you just have this great story in your head and you've created this scheme for it and then you come to a piece that you can't get to quite fit.

    I love the blunt and openness to this I see the picture you know the deranged lover that loves you enough to admit (even on their death bed) that they weren't best for you. But still their selfish and human enough not to want you to go even though they know you should. It's classic yet original all the same.

    I want to be your best
    But I was far from that place
    The scum of the earth, such lowlife
    It loves you so and wears my face

    The last line in particular I personally like because the word wear kinda comes to a surprise to me. I mean theres so many things that you could've said instead. (It hurts, I'm in pain, It makes me sad, It hurts my soul) But no you picked wear, and it flows quite well.

    Whatever prompted you to write this (even if it was hurtful) I believe was good for you because it caused you to write this.

    Keep writing, keep making people reread your words five times over for the full impact.

    -Torcher Out

    | Posted on 2010-05-06 00:00:00 | by BlueTorcher | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    184849

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Giving written by jjd
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Incubus written by monad
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    The Promise written by annie0888
    To written by SavedDragon
    Bond written by saartha
    Push written by JanePlane
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Chelebel
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Wavelength written by saartha
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry