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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: terminaldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: caster
    ASL Info:    31.M.MO
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 136/280/161
    Words: 99
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 900
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 767



    Description:
       about: you.

    feedback: only real, honest feelings. no technical critiques, please. if it made you feel a certain way, let me know.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsterminaldots
    -------------------------------------------


    soul leaves body
    we are what
    ever
    remains
    like an easy breeze
    cool and brought
    out from the ocean
    and we keep what
    ever
    remains

    acid burn stomach
    pain,
    nervous
    needing you,
    i liken to perpetual
    nervousness
    like the first
    and last
    day of school
    and we will be what
    ever
    remains

    and god damn
    these bitter pangs
    and clichés i have
    made and tired
    just the same
    the sky is upside
    down
    and looks like me
    empty and blue
    without you
    like a soul leaves
    body
    you have left me
    and i am what
    ever
    remains




    Submitted on 2010-05-06 18:52:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      responses:

    the title initially made me think of the tom hanks movie... have you seen it? its adorable. and it makes me cry every time...

    which got me thinking about love is a journey and how terminals can take the longest time to get anywhere...
    i spent 45minutes walking the terminal to my gate when i was in dubai and quite a bit of that time was spent on moving carpets so i wasnt really walking at all... and i got to thinking about how there was always something to help or hinder... walking carpets to help and fat people with lots of bags to hinder haha! and how love is like that...
    and how sometimes you find your gate and the planes left or you read the ticket wrong or whatever...

    and then, obviously, i got to thinking about illness. love can be terminal too i guess. fatal.

    and that was just my response to the title haha.




    the first verse didnt do all that much for me but thats okay. it doesnt have to.

    i was with the perpetual nervousness though.
    nervousness on different levels:

    theres the 'omg what if he stops waiting... what if he finds someone else' nervous
    then theres the butterflies at the thought of seeing him again... hoping he is the first person i see at the airport when i arrive...
    then there is the 'what next...'

    obviously my perpetual nervous isnt in context with your piece but my stomach gets its squirm on all the same


    first and last day of school...
    now theres an image right there.
    my first day of primary school when i was 5 was a LONG time coming. my birthday is jan 1st and i waited over a month to start school! and every morning of that month and a bit i would wake up and get my new pink backpack and go into mum and dads room and ask if it was time for school yet... i remember getting to school and my mother telling my teacher how excited i was about starting school infront of all these big kids and they all laughed...

    my final day of high school i didnt give a damn. all the girls were crying [i went to an all girls school] and i couldnt see what the point was... i knew i would keep in touch with the ones that count and the rest didnt matter.. but all my friends were going round crying and hugging all these people who had made their lives hell all the way throughout high school and it just made no sense to me... i was ready to be done with school.. id been ready for two years... i just attended school as a formality really...

    my first day of highschool though... thats where the nervous was... i remember crying and clinging to my mother and refusing to leave the house lol. she was wearing a pink dressing gown and she threatened to drive me to school wearing it and walking me into the office if i didnt stop being such a sooky-lala and that was the ONLY way she got me to go to school haha! the thought of her taking me in her dressing gown was too much but dude... i was [censored] scared!


    i know this seems like senseless ramble of a comment but your piece has taken my brain in all directions but then the last lines of the last stanza snap me back to the piece and the sentiment and im just.... thud.

    and i am what ever remains

    for a moment when i read what ever i thought about forever or whereever or whoever... what ever are you?
    does that make sense? it does in my mind and its quite a neat idea though im not expecting for a second thats where you were consciously going with it...

    but you know what...
    youre more than some girls left overs. really.
    i know it may not seem like that just yet... i know hearts take a while to heal and minds have to think i want you i want you i want you for a while before they realise that they can survive without the you they think they need for sustainence.

    and then i think about how when gold is refined they heat it heat it heat it and remove the impurities and what remains is the most pure thing...
    maybe being what ever remains is a better thing than you realise... youre just still in the the painful refining part...


    blahblahblah

    i like it.
    | Posted on 2010-05-07 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Well right off the bat your description made me feel rejected lol because I enjoy giving advice on grammar and technical things, due to the fact that I am an English nerd!

    the first stanza didn't speak to me specifically, although it reminded me of the saying "so that we can from the earth, we will will return to the earth once we are gone" I believe that it's a biblical quote.

    I really liked the second quote because I felt for it, needing/wanting/waiting/thinking about someone with so much intensity that your stomachs caught into huge knots, and you don't know what to do with yourself. the examples that you gave about school were fantastic, because it is a really similar feeling.

    The last stanza is my favorite and least favorite, how? Because I know how that feels and it's horrible and I can remember myself feeling like that after someone really important left, nothing seemed the same, food lost its flavor the world around colorless.

    I hate it because you made an error, but I pledged not to be technical about the last stanza's- fourth-line-last-word.... sorry lol

    but it was wonderful and inspiring, I can't wait for more, please keep writing

    istalkmurdoch


    | Posted on 2010-05-06 00:00:00 | by istalkmurdoch | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
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