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    dots Submission Name: Rockstardots

    Author: taintedsmiles
    Elite Ratio:    3.83 - 62/89/71
    Words: 150
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 548
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 874

       there is meaning behing the name so don't question the title please

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I wonder was she afraid to die before
    she met her end?
    I wonder if she feared it so
    much like i fear i am...
    I wish i could have been there
    more often than i was
    just to hear her voice again
    to see her smile one more time
    To let her know so many cared
    Maybe she'd be fine
    I tell myself i could have helped her
    I tell myself
    all the time
    i hope she is at peace
    i hope she found her way
    to where you go
    when you go from this world
    I hope now she'll be okay
    It is sad to think of all these things
    i remember about her
    Of how she cared and was always there
    No matter who you were
    my heart hurts
    i'm just not ready to move on
    to earily in the game
    I just can't believe she's gone

    Submitted on 2010-05-11 10:03:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      You have written a good heart-wrenching poem about loss of a friend. Presentation is spoiled by lack of puntuation, and carelessness about your I s & i s, and losing your rhythm here and there. Just a few suggestions:-
    L 10. Maybe she'd STILL be fine? (add still and the question mark, to stress your uncertainty)
    L 17. when you leave this world (for lumpy line)
    L 20. I RECALL of her (for rhythm)
    L 24. I'm not yet ready to move on
    L 25. TOO EARLY in the game (typos)

    Punctuation is very important to ensure that your work can be read as YOU want it to be read and understood. NTL, this is a good thoughtful poem. Ted.
    | Posted on 2010-05-11 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]

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