[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Relative dogdots

    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    3.95 - 139/254/170
    Words: 156
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 862
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1039


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRelative dogdots

    Please let me collapse in the world of meaning
    Where the waves - walls - of inspiration
    Would hit me with a hysterical expectancy of
    Hidden emotions, and their

    Meanings, meanings, chanting, are my elk-hounds
    Riding in black shadows
    Across the cold October mornings
    Into ice blisters on my stomach.

    Itís almost there - in the rustle
    Of four feet across the swollen wood
    From too much intimacy, running away
    Into pools of light by the lampposts,

    Away, yet again, away,

    Catch me you canít because
    I canít catch myself by the tail,
    Having outgrown the sun-dials.

    My gut is on a riot, it yelps
    And turns somersaults in hazy
    Drunken salutes to your advancing summers;

    And I canít spare myself these indignities,
    So itís up to you to free me,
    Lest I should cry my own
    Wheezy sonnets to the perverse moon,
    So rampant in my mouth.

    Submitted on 2010-05-11 11:33:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I just read a lot of your poems and because I am an old man, it is like spying on a young woman through her window.

    You are very honest about everything, except that sometimes I feel that you have turned pain into beauty for the sake of the poem. What's wrong with that? I don't know. Nothing!

    People like you make me think, but I don't have the feelings any more

    | Posted on 2012-04-19 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      And turns somersaults in hazy
    Drunken salutes to your advancing summers;

    Yes, I love these two lines. This feels like the frustration of having an idea for a poem in the back of your mind, and not being able to think of a structure that is stable enough to write it in. I can practically feel the frustration, but that could be my own empathy.

    I love the first stanza, but I feel like it could be stronger, like I read hysterical expectancy, and the words hidden emotions is not what I feel should follow. It completely makes sense if where I feel you are going with this piece is where you're going, but there may be a more poignant way of stating it. "Hidden emotions" is sort of a flow like statement and doesn't quite fit with shattering walls, if I'm making any sense here. Like the two words are too small of waves to make any big crashing sounds, which is what the first stanza is about; crashing. I'm coming at your poem from an aesthetic sense, because I enjoy the substance of it. This is a good piece, I enjoyed the read. The ending stanza is really good, reminded me of the Goddess Hecate, and she has dogs at her heels, and she is the Goddess of the dark moon. I like it.

    | Posted on 2010-05-12 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
      I will have to come back to this. I'm actually quite surprised there aren't any comments yet, as it is a creative and stirring piece. I enjoyed your choice of words and how you strung them together, but find it deserves a little more thought than I am able to give at the moment.

    | Posted on 2010-05-11 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]