Until Eleven At Night
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Description:
Until Eleven At Night
It is very lonely inside this head of mine. And I am so sick of hearing from you. All of you. Your voice is like the hold music put on when waiting for a representative from more torture. Your words affront my intellect. Your breath assails my personal space to breathe. It is like being blind sighted by stupidity in its purest, acidic, most infectious form. It causes me much pain. Insufferable, immeasurable, inexplicable pain. The next time you open your mouth I want you to keep it there so I can bang on your bottom teeth with as many quick wraps of a silver spoon that it takes to shatter each and every one of them. Then maybe you will understand why I look the way I do when you speak to me. You will understand the pain you cause me from your very first predicate. And then you'll shut up. |
Submitted on 2010-05-12 12:49:06 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| I don't know what to expect from a writer whose flurries range from dicks to wads, to fat ladies and odious sexual flab flabbergasting the sanity out of [censored]. On a personal note, I don't understand why people are so aggressively emotional about stupid [censored] like halitosis, although I do get the sense in way of it being repugnant. There's not much to critique given your stance on writing. Moral support probably wouldn't relay any sense of betterment, yet twisted and vaguely hostile banter might. I think the last line makes you sound like a freak, as far as expression goes. The you'll in particular... I think you'd would resolve that almost psychopathic control in the tone of it. The same could be said elsewhere, but then the whole write would fall into a milquetoast antsy kind of hypothetical.. which wouldn't be cool... I also like the word affront. Being so close to the word intellect, it is about the only grounds to support the latter... kind of ironic in that way. I suppose simply saying intellect doesn't presuppose any magnificence.. but idiots never bring up "intelligence" unless they suppose themselves to be more than idiots. As far as spoken word goes, acidic is out of place. I suppose having most acidic, most infectious would be just as bad.. but you could solve that with an and. As in most acidic and infectious .. La lala lalaaaaaa *prances away in fairy leotard* | Posted on 2010-05-13 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ] | It is very lonely inside this head of mine. | And I am so sick of hearing from you. All of you. Good start, but the poem fails to co-operate with the opening statement. Your voice is like the hold music put on when waiting for a representative from more torture. This sentence is kind of niiehuyskpfffttt (Jack said so). I think it's just the order of the words: "Your voice is like the music the representative puts On when I wait on the line for more torture." Your breath assails my personal space to breathe. Maybe it's cos there's the same word in the same sentence. I don't know how to change it though. So I'm complaining for the sake of it. Blind sighted= Blind-sighted. It causes me much pain. Me too. I want you to keep it there. Keep what there? I'm being an English teacher right there. Be more precise. Also gives you a license to be more creative with what's happening. Then maybe you will understand why I look the way I do when you speak to me. You will understand the pain you cause me from your very first predicate. And then you'll shut up. THE RESURRECTION OF THE PRETENTIOUS 14 YEAR OLD BISEXUAL! Yeah, get rid of it. Good enough to end it where you're beating teeth out of the ho's mouth. | Posted on 2010-05-12 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ] | Wow, a little violent at the end of the poem but I can't blame you for wanting to pound someones face in while i've had the same urges when there in my face talking to me acting like your buddy when really there just a backstabbing [censored] who only wants to cause you more pain and is pretending to be civil only because of the people i'm around. Sorry about the ranting lol. Well your grammer was good Insufferable, immeasurable, inexplicable pain. You missed an and in that sentence though lol. Just messing it sounds good the way it is. Curious who's the person whom inspired this was if any? Well thanks for the read it was an interesting piece that I could picture vividly in my head as if I were doing the pounding or if the person was really that bad. Hope you check out some of my work the older stuff not the newer if you do lol take care. | -J | Posted on 2010-05-12 00:00:00 | by cyberpoet | [ Reply to This ] | |
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