up and down

Author: joezwells Elite Ratio:    3.79 - 64 /79 /55 Words: 67

Class/Type: Poetry /Misc Total Views: 860 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 420

Description:

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up and down

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blined by love everything seemed great you believed a lie but you knew your fate tangles now you try to untie life you live you learn to hate try to see that this isnt the end you broke down but you can rely on a friend your face is frowned its something you can mend with time and patients you will smile again

Submitted on 2010-05-15 04:03:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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i guess you kinda found the pendulum of love in this piece... the up and the down [hense the title i guess?] it should be patience rather than patients [patients are what doctors see ] i would try to have a few less 'you's in this piece... by the end of it 'you' seems like a bad thing to be... you dont want your piece to come off as condemnatory... my only question would be why would they believe the lie if they knew their fate? one doesnt usually go out of their own way to get their own heart broken... maybe sharpen the idea up a lil..? good luck

| Posted on 2010-05-16 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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