up and down by joezwells

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Submission Name: up and down dots

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Author:	joezwells
Elite Ratio:	3.81 - 64/78/54
Words:	67

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	448
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	420

Description:

up and down dots

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blined by love
everything seemed great

you believed a lie
but you knew your fate
tangles now you try to untie
life you live you learn to hate

try to see that this isnt the end
you broke down
but you can rely on a friend
your face is frowned
its something you can mend

with time and patients
you will smile again

Submitted on 2010-05-15 04:03:14 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
i guess you kinda found the pendulum of love in this piece... the up and the down [hense the title i guess?]

it should be patience rather than patients [patients are what doctors see ]

i would try to have a few less 'you's in this piece... by the end of it 'you' seems like a bad thing to be... you dont want your piece to come off as condemnatory...

my only question would be why would they believe the lie if they knew their fate? one doesnt usually go out of their own way to get their own heart broken... maybe sharpen the idea up a lil..?

good luck
| Posted on 2010-05-16 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.