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    dots Submission Name: up and downdots

    Author: joezwells
    Elite Ratio:    3.81 - 64/78/54
    Words: 67
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 496
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 420


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsup and downdots

    blined by love
    everything seemed great

    you believed a lie
    but you knew your fate
    tangles now you try to untie
    life you live you learn to hate

    try to see that this isnt the end
    you broke down
    but you can rely on a friend
    your face is frowned
    its something you can mend

    with time and patients
    you will smile again

    Submitted on 2010-05-15 04:03:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i guess you kinda found the pendulum of love in this piece... the up and the down [hense the title i guess?]

    it should be patience rather than patients [patients are what doctors see ]

    i would try to have a few less 'you's in this piece... by the end of it 'you' seems like a bad thing to be... you dont want your piece to come off as condemnatory...

    my only question would be why would they believe the lie if they knew their fate? one doesnt usually go out of their own way to get their own heart broken... maybe sharpen the idea up a lil..?

    good luck
    | Posted on 2010-05-16 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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