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    dots Submission Name: Visionsdots

    Author: raincloud
    Elite Ratio:    5.49 - 53/55/18
    Words: 82
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 440
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 501

       Just a poem I wrote one afternoon, while thinking about someone very special. :)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I was walking down the street
    in the afternoon
    and I saw her straight in front of me
    With free-flowing hair
    and deep peaceful eyes
    the most beautiful girl that I had ever seen
    and she was smiling at me
    with the sweetest radiance in her face
    and I looked and smiled back at her
    and realized, that she wasn't really there at all...
    more a shadow, or my imagination
    and I knew that I missed you more than anything

    Submitted on 2010-05-18 10:47:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is very pretty! The twist at the end makes it a piece worth reading and the verses don't flow in a traditional way, but you made that work very nicely regardless. I enjoyed the imagery most of all and think you have room to add even more of it so that the lines don't seem commonplace. Don't stick to the most basic way to put things. You can get more creative and still get the same point across.

    As for specific feedback, I want to focus on the line: "And I realized that she wasn't really there at all...". This is actually both my favorite and least favorite verse. I like that you suddenly shift from realism to this vagueness, however, the only real problem I found in this piece was that you jump into that realization without any introduction as to why you suddenly noticed that the girl was imaginary. Did she do something unrealistic? I think if you mentioned that transition it would bring the whole thing together.

    Altogether I thought this was very good and would like to read more of your poems in the future.
    | Posted on 2010-05-19 00:00:00 | by Anneboleyn707 | [ Reply to This ]

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