[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Visionsdots

    Author: raincloud
    Elite Ratio:    5.49 - 53/55/18
    Words: 82
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 460
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 501

       Just a poem I wrote one afternoon, while thinking about someone very special. :)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I was walking down the street
    in the afternoon
    and I saw her straight in front of me
    With free-flowing hair
    and deep peaceful eyes
    the most beautiful girl that I had ever seen
    and she was smiling at me
    with the sweetest radiance in her face
    and I looked and smiled back at her
    and realized, that she wasn't really there at all...
    more a shadow, or my imagination
    and I knew that I missed you more than anything

    Submitted on 2010-05-18 10:47:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This is very pretty! The twist at the end makes it a piece worth reading and the verses don't flow in a traditional way, but you made that work very nicely regardless. I enjoyed the imagery most of all and think you have room to add even more of it so that the lines don't seem commonplace. Don't stick to the most basic way to put things. You can get more creative and still get the same point across.

    As for specific feedback, I want to focus on the line: "And I realized that she wasn't really there at all...". This is actually both my favorite and least favorite verse. I like that you suddenly shift from realism to this vagueness, however, the only real problem I found in this piece was that you jump into that realization without any introduction as to why you suddenly noticed that the girl was imaginary. Did she do something unrealistic? I think if you mentioned that transition it would bring the whole thing together.

    Altogether I thought this was very good and would like to read more of your poems in the future.
    | Posted on 2010-05-19 00:00:00 | by Anneboleyn707 | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    ME written by jjd
    Stretto written by saartha
    Lunch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Sunt Mala Quae Libas written by MyPeriodical
    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
    On Top of a Water Wheel written by Wolfwatching
    Dirge of Nostalgia written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Search written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Tides of Man written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Aftermath and Waltz written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Last to Walk the Earth written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Commencement written by Ramneet
    Skulls Beyond the Palisade written by HisNameIsNoMore
    On Loop written by Daniel Barlow
    All Time Low written by Janesaddiction
    Love and Solitaire written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Epilogue written by HisNameIsNoMore
    This written by Chelebel
    Watch them Die written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    The First Time written by Wolfwatching
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    untitled written by Chelebel




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]