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    dots Submission Name: He Kept Runesdots

    Author: RisingSon
    Elite Ratio:    1.69 - 7/79/52
    Words: 95
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 382
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 646


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHe Kept Runesdots

    He kept runes in his pockets
    for years never ending
    in hopes of them living
    again in his thoughts

    They slept like the secrets
    all buried so deeply
    alongside the mooring
    in depths of his heart

    He kept them as wishes
    and cleaned them each evening
    the words ever blurry
    and hid from his eyes

    He held them like solace
    scribed only in memory
    their wisdom a passage
    the pages all torn

    All runes fade in due time
    he let them pass gently
    from fingers to history
    forgotten once more

    Submitted on 2010-05-18 10:51:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      never ending
    in depths of his heart
    so deeply
    ever blurry

    working off your established rhythm, i liked the last two stanzas the best, they broke away from seeming to need to rhyme, and because of this they seemed less sing-songy

    the above inversions/perversions represent lines that were weaker, or had filler in them, or were turned around to allow, rather than forge.

    I think, (and this is dangerous) I think that good rhythm is enough to carry a piece, and then sparing use of rhyme will enhance it, otherwise, particularly with the format you are using here, it does feel a bit romantic or old-fashioned.

    This will seem gay, but [censored] it, see 'forgotten bones'

    and ugh, i see you've used 5/8th's of [censored] all rhyme, so my apologies, it's the rhythm thing then.... perhaps too consistent, so i would suggest that it's a core thing, (rhythm) that you can thing base other sounds around and return to. you don't want an S shape all the way through, because that is too predictable but imagine some drums quickening the beat and adding extra feet to the rhythm. changing the shape, but staying somewhat within the form.... blah blah blah, but it's needed here I think.

    | Posted on 2010-05-19 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Until they rose gently
    from the cool tombs of memory
    like flickering smiles
    of lengthy goodbyes...
    | Posted on 2010-05-18 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]

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