in depths of his heart
working off your established rhythm, i liked the last two stanzas the best, they broke away from seeming to need to rhyme, and because of this they seemed less sing-songy
the above inversions/perversions represent lines that were weaker, or had filler in them, or were turned around to allow, rather than forge.
I think, (and this is dangerous) I think that good rhythm is enough to carry a piece, and then sparing use of rhyme will enhance it, otherwise, particularly with the format you are using here, it does feel a bit romantic or old-fashioned.
This will seem gay, but [censored] it, see 'forgotten bones'
and ugh, i see you've used 5/8th's of [censored] all rhyme, so my apologies, it's the rhythm thing then.... perhaps too consistent, so i would suggest that it's a core thing, (rhythm) that you can thing base other sounds around and return to. you don't want an S shape all the way through, because that is too predictable but imagine some drums quickening the beat and adding extra feet to the rhythm. changing the shape, but staying somewhat within the form.... blah blah blah, but it's needed here I think.