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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Craters of the Moondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Soul-Hugger
    ASL Info:    33/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 401/217/62
    Words: 80
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 817
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 529



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCraters of the Moondots
    -------------------------------------------


    You are not, as it seems,
    A man of deep mystery and intrigue
    You are, instead,
    An author of your own deceit
    To look into your eyes is an invitation
    To drift as the night tide on arctic pools,
    Begging to be frozen.

    You are not, as it appears,
    Still water in a mountain's shadow;
    You are, instead,
    The shadow itself
    Hiding glacier-blue facets of sheer crevasses,
    Uneven ground blotted from view
    You are the craters of the moon.




    Submitted on 2010-05-21 13:25:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      If the moon in question is Titian then yes, I can see that as title and last line, now as to the line (the author of your own deceit) I know what I think you mean but is it what you said? If one is the author of their own deceit are they the author of a deception or self-deceived? A very nitpicky point I suppose, perhaps it can be read either way according to context. I will go with context then. You are likely to be more interested in what I thought about your poem as a whole, than what I thought about that particular line.

    Well like I was saying if the moon in question orbits Saturn then for me the craters make sense but then again it is possible that Earth’s moon could make sense , in that the shadows could from a certain vantage point obscure a crater or two. However, it is the glacier thing, if you want glaciers and craters and shadows Titian is still the better candidate. You also get arctic type pools with wicked tides. Lastly, while there might be life on Titian it in all probability is not the type of life you would feel comfortable snuggling up with.

    Having made my case for Titian I want you to know that I really do like this poem.
    | Posted on 2011-01-01 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]
      Like Jacoby, I too was drawn to this poem by the title. However, to me, the last line doesn't make any sense with the rest of the poem.

    You talk about how he is deceptive, not what he seems. Drifting on night tides in an arctic pool. Always going in circles, never getting below the surface.
    Not the still waters in the shadow, but the shadow itself. Hiding the scars of the land. (most likely the scars of his heart) A treacherous landscape to traverse, one that you can't even see.

    And then you call him the craters of the moon. How does that tie in with the deceitful picture you've painted. Like a pockmarked face or a broken nose, you know what you're getting. Like the craters of the moon, you can see the scars. Not exactly easy to hide. I found it to be a little distracting.

    The other metaphors seemed to work together so well, this one just doesn't seem to fit. I'm trying to wrap my head around it. Can you clarify a little? Please?

    The Bird
    | Posted on 2010-08-30 00:00:00 | by Swimming Bird | [ Reply to This ]
      Pretty awesome to my way of thinking. Does it get lonely thinking at that level?
    | Posted on 2010-08-27 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the metaphor which you're using here, and I like how you keep twisting it round and showing us another facet, and another facet, like;
    'drift as the night tide on arctic pools', how that juxtaposes with deep mystery- you make his mysteriousness cold, flat, and you are floating on it, rather than sinking (in his eyes, great twist on that cliché), and the line itself is lovely, very evocative.

    And then he's the shadow, so he's cold, and dark, and flat; and really, it's lovely.

    I'm going to agree with Alia about the punctuation- the lack of it kind of detracts rather than adds, so, so, yeah.

    This is so...straightforward...and I like that, how it just is, how it lets itself just be, it hides nothing, it's blunt, it makes its point.

    Lovely write :)

    Take care

    Aly
    | Posted on 2010-08-14 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      I have just read several of your poems and I understand your basic motivation for writing them as a catharsis of pervious pain. You have good poets commenting on this poem. I agree with O on the punctuation, but I disagree with Daniel about the need for further interpretation. If you explained the real history behind the poem, I feel it would be toom personal and too painful. As it stands, the catharsis works and turns pain into beauty. I really liked the clear, simple visual images of your poem and the clear metaphor. You don't need to say more. The metaphor is self-explanatory. Have you now come far enough that you can write poetry based on happiness, or even completely unemotive poetry based on the natural description you are so good at and the inspiration that the Canadian landscape must surely give you. Arthur
    | Posted on 2010-08-12 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      
    Overall I think the metaphor here works nicely.

    If there's anything that I can constructively criticize it is that your use of punctuation could be tidied up. I question the period at the end of the first stanza since there is more than one sentence there . . . "You are, instead . . ." starts off a new one and in the second stanza, you've used a semicolon to indicate and separate the stanza's (parallel) movement.

    If I may . . .


    You are not, as it seems,
    A man of deep mystery and intrigue.
    You are, instead,
    An author of your own deceit:
    To look into your eyes is an invitation
    To drift as the night tide on arctic pools
    Begging to be frozen.

    You are not, as it appears,
    Still water in a mountain's shadow.
    You are, instead,
    The shadow itself
    Hiding glacier-blue facets of sheer crevasses:
    Uneven ground blotted from view,
    You are the craters of the moon.


    Or something. Just to give you an idea. The punctuation I suggested is nothing more than options for you to play around with. Colons, semicolons, commas, and periods can be used interchangeably until you find a match that works for this poem's natural movement.

    I like the blunt truth and the imagery that brings it to life.

    Alia
    | Posted on 2010-08-02 00:00:00 | by O | [ Reply to This ]
      To look into your eyes is an invitation
    To drift as the night tide on arctic pools,
    Begging to be frozen.

    craters of the moon.

    those are my favourite lines in this.

    the half rhyme of eyes/tide is nice and the tone of that grouping of lines is quite startling without being too bitter.

    I find the lead ins in both strophes to be a bit structured (similar) and also i feel what's missing is the justification of why or why not he is or isn't one way or another, and as such I feel as if the issues around structure can be resolved by filling in the gaps, essentially you could say the same thing but in achieving that you would lay out more story and this would of course alter the approach, the approach is where the major issue lies, imo.
    | Posted on 2010-05-24 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      I was attracted to this post for two simple reasons: it had 'moon' in the title and I just got done writing something about the whole nightscape theme of constellations and moons and such, and also because it has no comments attached to it yet. Which seems a little unfair considering a lot of your other work has had a lot of attention.

    I like a lot of the visuals of this poem (I'll pick out my favourite parts in a while because I think it's always useful to know what appeals most to a reader). The poem covers a few themes: betrayal, deceit, disappointment. More and more these days it feels like people cannot be taken at face value. There is a guardedness to society as if we're always waiting to be letdown. Maybe we just live in a time of suspicion and paranoia. It's a real shame, too, for I know there are a valuable number of people out there who are genuinely lovely. Trustworthy. Worth investing your time and emotions in. And if we don't reach out to them, then we'll never get chance to know them at all. So despite the fact this person in your poem ultimately let you down, at least you were willing to chance it. And without that ability, life would be a very lonely and empty one. I'm sure for each bad egg you befriend and get close to, only to realise you made a mistake to put your faith in them, there are a whole bunch of good folk you have surrounding you to make up for it.

    Onto my favourite bits. It's only a short poem but there's a lovely couple of lines.

    'To drift as the night tide on arctic pools'

    Kind of a lonely image, but it's beautiful in its simplicity. I have to say that I like the second verse the best - the metaphors you use are great. You really convey the dark, hidden aspects to his character through their description. They work very nicely, especially the last line linking into the poem's title.

    I've not read much of your work yet. I think this is the third piece so far, and I'm not sure how this one stands as a representation of your overall style or abilities, but I think it's a nice start to my Soulhugger reading.

    Thanks for sharing it.


    | Posted on 2010-05-23 00:00:00 | by Jacoby | [ Reply to This ]


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