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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: bless the childdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Shadowstar13
    Elite Ratio:    4.73 - 191/191/129
    Words: 276
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 669
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1846



    Description:
       for mes petites, in case of fire.

    wrote the title before the work. let's see if this really works--


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsbless the childdots
    -------------------------------------------


    before the four and the western winds
    gods of my mother and my father's sins
    earth and stars, the meek and the wild
    all before me, bless the child

    sweet lies that I did believe,
    this rising star, do not decieve
    skeletons hiding under the bassinet
    keep your claws off the blanket; even I'm not yours quite yet!
    you, mirrorhate eyes, I exorcise!
    get ye behind me and back to your own skies

    all that has lived and passed away, all the sorrow left behind
    every whispered lullaby
    the tears and the shining smiles of the sky
    bless the child

    real and imaginary,
    metal and wood,
    the ones that screamed injustice out
    and the ones that should,
    running waters, wicked wings
    and halos of the blessed things

    demons that knelt beside my crib
    lend your hellfire strength to what's behind the ninth rib
    angels that hovered about my bed
    guard and defend what hatches in the head
    lions that did not devour my mind
    keep your brothers far behind
    fairies of the far afield
    let the lanternlight in those eyes never yield
    banshees of the caoine song
    watch the child when I am gone

    all that eyes can ever see

    all a thing can ever be

    every creation ever wrought

    all that exists and all that does not


    trees of the forest and brotherly plains
    saltkissed water and fiery sands

    mist-shrouded places of the past
    empires and anarchies that did not last

    all that this nebula will want to become



    this i pray:





    bless the child




    Submitted on 2010-06-08 17:41:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Hi, Shadowstar.

    This is an impressive work, an impressive undertaking. I love how you used Old Language; it is so much more eloquent and lends a timeless feel to the poem.

    Full points for language and subject. However, I believe the flow could be improved by omitting the odd word here and adding the odd word there;


    before the four and western winds
    gods of my mother and father's sins
    earth and stars, the meek and wild
    all before me, bless the child

    **A very strong start, excellent flow if read this way!**

    sweet lies that I did once believe,
    this rising star, do not deceive
    skeletons under the bassinet
    keep your claws off the blanket; even I'm not yours yet!
    you, mirrorhate eyes, I exorcise!
    get ye behind me, back to your own skies

    **A few rearrangements here help the pattern remain more constant.**

    all that has lived and passed away,
    all the sorrow left behind
    every whispered lullaby
    the tears, the shining smiles of the sky
    bless the child

    **Here, you could even omit the "the" before sky and say "the shining smiles of sky"

    real and imaginary, metal and wood,
    the ones that screamed injustice out -
    the ones that should -
    running waters, wicked wings
    and halos of the blessed things
    (define all that is evil, good?)

    **Adding the last line would lend a completion to the thought started here**

    demons who knelt beside my crib;
    lend your hellfire strength to (what's behind) the ninth rib
    angels who hovered about my bed;
    guard and defend what hatches in the head
    lions who did not (tried to?) devour my mind;
    keep your brothers far behind
    fairies of the far afield;
    let lantern-light in those eyes never yield
    banshees of the caoine song;
    watch the child when I am gone

    **this is where the flow begins to be interrupted, especially with the second line. **

    all that eyes can ever see -

    all a thing can ever be

    every creation ever wrought

    all that exists and all that does not


    trees of the forest and brotherly plains
    saltkissed water and fiery sands (lanes?)

    mist-shrouded places of the past
    empires and anarchies that did not last

    all that this nebula will want to become



    this i pray:


    bless the child.


    Hope this helps. I liked the idea of this, naming out loud and speaking to the demons directly. The child's mind is such a fertile place, taking influence of all it is open to.

    Great idea.
    soul-hugger
    | Posted on 2010-06-09 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Shadowstar. Bless the child = This is an amazing poem. I like it. Well - to read it is to appreciate it - not moe to say. Well done and keep it up. Bless the Child. luv jm
    | Posted on 2010-06-09 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]


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