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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Brick By Brickdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HisNameIsNoMore
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    3.09 - 75/182/211
    Words: 291
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 477
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1884



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBrick By Brickdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Evacuate this subterfuge carousel of a world, prioritize the swift incarnation of your old ragged God, all just heinous check marks on an agenda made of lies.
    Spineless shades suffer.
    Tyrannical typecast traitor.
    Typical if you take the time to catch eyes with it's bold face and bright, colorful eyes, swooning you into a charismatic lullaby.
    A bassinet tilting on that branch so high, spewing curses and aged wisdom beyond their time.
    Fathers and mothers, even the grand of some sort peel back with disgust.

    Redundant repetition of the subtle cues.
    No one owes anything to me, him and even you.

    Redundant confrontation, oh how slighted we feel?
    Street hustler mentality, brass knuckle diplomacy.

    Brick by brick we tear down all that we've fought so hard to build up, for no reason but to die as swine... Did I say die? I meant dine...

    Accidental misinterpretations of what we desire is no excuse for the fundamental collapse of values.
    Soon we'll be the one that is forgotten, torn away like the empires rotting.

    Shove to collapse this row of incumbent domino stacking snakes.
    Forked tongues, silver with hate for any other view, correction- they hate you.
    Daggers to Julius's cries of a better empire and life, perhaps this time the stage is set to counter balance that murderous crime.
    It's in your head, but you can't seem to remember when anything had made sense, transparent only works when the smoke is cleared from the air.

    Maybe it was fog... Just can't seem to remember...

    Brick by brick we will build our walls...
    Brick by brick we will build another empire so strong...
    Brick by brick their blood will be our mortar.






    Submitted on 2010-06-09 16:57:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Let me get my suggestions out of the way first:
    1. First Stanza, Sixth line. Omit the and and just add a comma between bright and colorful, reading "bright, colorful." it keeps the rhythm going with out the uneeded pause.
    2.Put a break between like this -
    "Fathers and mothers, even the grand of some sort peel back with disgust.

    Brick by brick we tear down all that we've fought so hard to build up, for no reason but to die as swine... Did I say die? I meant dine..."

    So that the title Brick by Brick can be more easily linked to the work and also the spacing with the rest of the piece is more pleasing to the eye, and it merges well with the Redundant coupley ahead of it.

    I'd done with suggestions. You could honestly do without but those were some nitpicking things I thought it couldnt hurt to add.

    I really liked the crafty Repeat of redundant. It's very clever. The brashness, harshness of the read is wonderfully in your face, and the strong vocab is just right for it.

    Thanks for posting.
    -Ash
    | Posted on 2010-06-10 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]


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