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    dots Submission Name: When Desperation and Love Become Interchangeabledots

    Author: awastedsky
    ASL Info:    22/f/AZ
    Elite Ratio:    5.1 - 116/151/98
    Words: 139
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 947
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 898

       fuck it

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    dotsWhen Desperation and Love Become Interchangeabledots

    My favorite memory of you
    is the night we sat on the back porch
    swilling amber ale
    lashing tongues like knives and words like bullets
    and pretending we didn't love the hell out of each other.

    I was collecting firefly jewelry
    and you were contributing to a classic rock song
    [your charm overshadows your voice]
    and as you grinned
    the possibility of you
    giving just a passing fuck about me
    flashed through my thoughts.

    And so, here I am
    relinquishing my soul more and more each day
    to some divine entity
    in which neither of us believe
    hoping, begging
    that, for one second
    you'll give me the reassurance that I am where I am supposed to be.

    I sold out for you at the beginning of time
    and I'm scared to admit I regret it.

    Submitted on 2010-06-10 05:34:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The last two lines will chase themselves through my mind for days, that is a successful poem! The thoughts and feelings of it are not so clear, they are hard to understand or kind of complicated; but you show that in clear language.

    The verse-composition doesn't delight me so much .... but I'm kinda prejudiced about that craft. There is so much to say about free verse, and so little of it is much use to a poet! Maybe the one very long line is wrong. But maybe there's no such thing as wrong, maybe I'm not supposed to like that line ... making poems is so much more easy than commenting on them ....
    | Posted on 2010-07-11 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]

    I agree with the first few comments in that as the poem went on it seemed to lose some of its fire (though that might be appropriate, as the poem is somewhat about losing fire - anyway...). I think that really it just needs a little more attention, a little more alluding as you do in the first two stanzas and less direct phrasing as you give in the last stanza.

    Also, I have a thought for the opening stanza. Your first line is very bland and I wonder if you might go for something more like

    "That night we sat on the back porch
    swilling amber ale
    lashing tongues like knives
    and words like bullets
    pretending we didn't love the hell out of each other"

    Using that night still gives us that memory/long ago/once feeling that is projected too plainly (I felt) with "My favorite memory of you." If you are set on this more specific sentiment, I do think you could play around with different ways to say it.

    I like these personal touches of firefly jewelry and the other person "contributing to a classic rock song" it sets the scene, but also makes it very intimate -- something beyond the reader's experience, but still the tone is felt. If that make sense.

    So really, it's just that last stanza there that you could use a bit more oomph and honing. Maybe incorporating the last line of "You're boring holes in my mind" somewhere in there would be good too, as it seems sorta lost dangling there.

    I'm beginning to think this is a half-assed comment. Sorry if I over-stepped in anyway, just throwing out thoughts. Wrapping up now.

    This has great potential. Let me know if you do anything more with it.

    | Posted on 2010-06-10 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      I see a lot of the insecurities of the narrator. It is an interesting beginning with the similes I think it can end as well as it started if you continue to use more figurative language through out just to give it more feeling. I see your pain and fear but it doesn't breathe off the page for me.
    | Posted on 2010-06-10 00:00:00 | by thepulse | [ Reply to This ]
      for the first two strophes you just have to smile and go along with it, it's infectious stuff and quite quietly wildly wildly romantic. in the 3rd section i like the vulnerability and open quality of the statement about reassurance but the charm of the piece seems to fall away and even though that doesn't mean the piece isn't realistic i felt i felt less for the narrator, anyway I'd like to see you handle that section differently and let us see what mr man is missing.
    | Posted on 2010-06-10 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

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