Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Simply a Burden


Author: SilentDreams42
Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 38 /30 /42
Words: 245
Class/Type: Poetry /Death
Total Views: 850
Average Vote:    4.5000
Bytes: 1687



Description:


She didn't need saving. She didn't want it. No, not this time...


Simply a Burden



Strength, not cowardice
That's what you told me it was
And I believed you...

The nausea refused to subside
Like a hurricane
Destroying her from the inside out

Breathless
Doing what she did best
The sand between her toes
She ran

When her legs could move no longer
She collapsed
Sand in her hair
Tears in her eyes

Using every last muscle in her body
She took a deep breath
And forced herself up
As she became completely numb

Walking slowly toward the water
Her heart beating faster and faster
Nothing else mattered
For she was a selfish soul, simply a burden

The waves brushed against her feet
As she proceeded, she felt free 
More alive than ever
Though her body was no longer hers

The wind blew in her hair
Sending chills down her spine
Like a never-ending rope
As she fell deeper and deeper into a trance

Waves crashed against her frail body
Yet her only thought was to keep going
As the ocean engulfed her
Her soul was at peace

"No longer a burden," she thought
But the screams awoke her 
He grabbed her waist 
Forcing her up

Although helpless,
She fought him
As he fought the water
Waves swallowing them both

And sure enough,
More help arrived
But it was he that saved her life
And I hate him for it

I am a selfish soul, simply a burden...




Submitted on 2010-06-10 21:50:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  This poem shows how selfish a person can be when they give up. they forget the people around them thinking only of themselves. I like how you portrayed it in the structure of the lines. the way you wrote it gave it an interesting tempo. the breaks into stanzas made you stop and think about the thought of each stanza as it tells a story up until the end. one line confused me though in stanza 7 and the last line which said "though her body was no longer her's" in what way was it not hers- was she relinquishing it to the ocean to cause her death? over all it was good.
| Posted on 2010-06-11 00:00:00 | by thepulse | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



185598