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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: reborndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: mixedemotions00
    ASL Info:    24/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    6.26 - 574/377/69
    Words: 148
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 623
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 924



    Description:
       slampoetry.
    edited but always looking for suggestions.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsreborndots
    -------------------------------------------


    Don't know how I got here,
    how I left me in the first place,
    I know I don't belong here,
    just another pretty, fresh face
    But I play the part so well
    recite the lines on cue:
    take it in and spew it out,
    all that's missing is a pew.

    My inside's slightly crumpled, slightly patched up, slightly worn
    My shoes are scuffed, my makeup's rough, my hem is all but torn
    But I'm not so shy, not so quiet,
    not so quick to please-
    but watch me long enough and you might catch me on my knees.

    Can't promise that I'll stay,
    but I hope that I don't go.
    Maybe I'll be better this time,
    but the only way I'll know
    is if I throw aside the bullsh!t,
    try to write from what's within;
    shrug off the facade,
    to be reborn again.




    Submitted on 2010-06-10 22:40:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I really love this piece as I have been there so many times.

    Sometimes you get to a point in life where things just dont seem good, they dont even seem okay and you just think, how did this happen? Where do I go from here?

    I kind of forgot that lost feeling because the truth is its not really about how you got there, its about whats next, cleaning up the makeup, changing to something fresher, and walking on to what is thrown at you.

    From a kid who moves around a lot, with circumstances changing everyday I know how it is. Hoping maybe this one thing will remain constant while everything else changes and knowing there is nothing you can do about it.

    Maybe its fate, maybe its chance, and maybe its just life. It tires us out, gives us a breath of air to think for a moment, and throws us back in.

    Its a beautiful piece, great rythm and overall great write, really gets you thinking.

    Keep it up
    Flora
    | Posted on 2010-06-15 00:00:00 | by blankscreen | [ Reply to This ]
      
    Correction: personal, subjective opinions*
    | Posted on 2010-06-15 00:00:00 | by O | [ Reply to This ]
      
    If it's the rhythm/beat you're worried about it might help to consider how many syllables are in each line. The first stanza is pretty consistent--6, 7, 8. The second stanza is where it starts to get a little shaky with 'excessive' syllables, particularly in lines 1, 2, and 6. You could get away with it in lines 1 and 2 because they're back to back, however the end rhyme of line 6 ('please' and 'knees') sounds forced because that line is stretched out so much. Consistency is attained in the last stanza, except for maybe the 4th line, but you could get away with it because it isn't too, too long.

    So, basically, think about line breaks in terms of how many syllables each line has and try to remain as consistent with them as possible--you can fluctuate a little, but too much, and your lines will be too 'forced' or heavy.

    Regarding the content: the topic of rebirth, or to be reborn, is one that presents many opportunities to express yourself in a way that's unique to your own vision. In other words, while the emotive drive of the write isn't lacking, its delivery can be sharpened. After all, a sharp tongue is needed for slam poetry. So avoid commonplace/clichéd phrases, and maybe include surprising, evocative imagery here and there, to hone in and dish out the grand concept of being reborn.

    This goes without saying...these are personal, objective opinions, yours to take or trash.

    Hope this helps some.

    Alia
    | Posted on 2010-06-13 00:00:00 | by O | [ Reply to This ]
      From what i could gather this poem is about fitting in. Or being in a foreign situation that the narrator doesn't feel they belong. To me it could be a new job or a new relationship. Or even being on this website. Any how, though I would like to know, the narrator from all his/her efforts beat him/her up. to the point they need reborn. Nice poem. Thanks.
    | Posted on 2010-06-12 00:00:00 | by thepulse | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
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