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    dots Submission Name: Under The Willow Treedots

    Author: hybridsongwrite
    ASL Info:    20 / M / MN, USA
    Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 185/164/70
    Words: 292
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Sorry
    Total Views: 866
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1764


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    dotsUnder The Willow Treedots

    Sitting here on my own
    In the dark somewhere alone
    And i don't know if i will make it
    Got a gun at my side
    With thought's of suicide
    I don't know if i can face this
    I'm not meant to be strong
    In a world i don't belong
    So here's a song to let you know
    That i still think of you
    And what i shouldn't do
    Is put you through losing me

    But i don't know if i can face it
    I have to, it's too late to change it
    If i could, you know i'd say it
    I am sorry, i am sorry

    I guess it's a privilege
    To stand up on this bridge
    And have the chance to think this through
    These years have come and gone
    Since it all went wrong
    And now i'm not sure what i'll do
    I couldn't stand the fight
    Now, i don't know what's right
    Either way i go, i go alone
    Maybe this was destiny
    Maybe this was meant to be
    I guess no one will ever know

    To all the boys and girls
    Throughout the world
    There's something i want you to know
    This world can be cold alone
    Let the ones that you love know
    That you care and think about them
    Or you'll be like me
    Hurting those you need
    And live in a world of regrets
    So now my choice is made
    I'll take the coward's way
    I'll see you in the ever after

    I hope you burry me
    Under the willow tree
    Next to the school that you and i went to
    So every time that you look
    You can see how much it took
    Out of my heart to hurt you

    Submitted on 2010-06-12 08:56:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
    | Posted on 2010-06-15 00:00:00 | by Temidayo | [ Reply to This ]
      This work evokes my most serious train of orchestrated thought which rushes through my life's errors,even my personal faults , so-called love life and in the whole gamut I find nothing heart rending enough for suicide, the narrative power displayed here tells of something serious. My thoughts have swept me away! My thoughts had your poem as a stimulant,the train station bell. On things not clear I agree with the previous commentator. When we write if we describe places put features that will be consistent with the venue. E.g rustling leaves,thick underbush,whispering willows, etc all go with willow tree
    Slow moving,noiseless rush,tears of the city, etc all connect to under the bridge. I HOPE YOU GET WHAT AM saying? Nice job keep writing please dont hurt yourself!
    | Posted on 2010-06-15 00:00:00 | by Temidayo | [ Reply to This ]
      There are several spelling and grammatical errors that need to be edited. However, ignoring that... this is a very sad and jarring work.

    The rhyme scheme is a bit inconsistent... especially in the fourth stanza. I don't know if that was intentional or not.

    I hope this isn't based off your own feelings because the speaker in the poem seems to be in a very dark place.

    The setting of the poem is a little unclear to me... since at first the speaker is sitting in the dark alone and suddenly later they are up on a bridge contemplating what they should do.

    I think overall it is a great narrative poem. It tells a sad story and illustrates some of the more negative emotions we all feel sometimes.

    Thanks for sharing... and I do hope that if this poem is based on your life that you are able to find strength.
    | Posted on 2010-06-13 00:00:00 | by melancholystar | [ Reply to This ]

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