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    dots Submission Name: Modedots

    Author: HisNameIsNoMore
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    3.09 - 75/182/213
    Words: 182
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 531
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1138


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Another breeze comes calling... I could see her smile to herself... No shame in such falling.
    But she was standing all alone, buried up to her neck in guilt, cold as stone. - Lacking a name for herself in society.
    Despite the encroaching loneliness, she seemed to understand the ways of the world as nothing more than a lost little girl.
    More than skin deep, she began her dredge into what life means. - No matter what it takes.
    Wind blows by casually, her one and only friend.
    Just whispering what it is she wants to hear, a psychotropic state, much is unknown.
    But when the needle falls, will the thread keep it from embedding itself into what catches?

    Shifting modes, living on the streets as one of them callin'.
    Flipping tricks like spinnin' disks.
    Don't look now she's bawlin'.
    Beaten and broken yet keeps coming back for more.
    Lost at sea, no rhyme or reason- She's still choking... On memories she dropped, broken and forgotten on the floor.

    Another soul lost in a social maelstrom,

    Submitted on 2010-06-13 19:56:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      oh man i'm not sure if i run parallel to your points here, but i actually found this really fun to read. it seems like you said what you were trying to and i agree with a good bit. sometimes people get caught up by their environments. opportunity is a very subjective.

    not much critique wise. i would separate the lines differently, separating the longer sentences into their own individual stanzas, personally. but that's just my personal technique and taste.

    i enjoyed how you freed up the form on the first part to focus on meaning, and how you were able to keep concistant with meaning as you tighten the rhyme scheme.

    a very enjoyable poem.

    keep with it
    | Posted on 2010-06-13 00:00:00 | by cornonthekob | [ Reply to This ]

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