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    dots Submission Name: truth: the wake up calldots

    Author: Shadowstar13
    Elite Ratio:    4.73 - 191/191/129
    Words: 175
    Class/Type: Poetry/Venting
    Total Views: 1094
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1293


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotstruth: the wake up calldots

    backbones are made of all sorts of things
    iron & miscellanium
    wood and water frozen thick
    but balsa vertebrae make me

    I'm wondering what made you think
    that it's okay if you let yourself sink

    darling, mermen are lovely only in dreams
    and aside from that, you've caught a cadfish, it seems

    hypocrisy doesn't suit you

    how do you expect to free a wolf from a snake
    if you're a tiger in a cage making the same mistake?

    you may have
    step outside
    of your own skin
    to understand
    what's wrong
    with who's wearing it
    and more importantly,
    what's right

    let me get the prison gun
    and tattoo this so it sinks in:

    know your own worth; it's more than diamonds
    or an old sweatshirt
    with cheap cologne

    Disrespect is a cardinal sin
    is not
    a virtue ---
    like a bladed boomerang,
    each will only
    back to hurt you.

    Submitted on 2010-06-14 16:18:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the content. I like the actual words and the message. I like most of the rhymes, though I couldn't get the wolf/snake/tiger lines to line up well enough for me. Can you refine the number of syllables there?

    I felt that the format was distracting... some columns, some sets of parallel lines, with inconsistent breaks and punctuation. My suggestion would be to make it a bit more consistent, get rid of the double spacing so that your spaces between "paragraphs" are more dramatic. May I be so bold as to make some detailed suggestions?

    "you may have to
    step outside of your own skin
    to understand what's wrong
    with who's wearing it,
    and more importantly-

    what's right."

    "know your own worth;
    it's more than diamonds
    [or an old sweatshirt with cheap cologne]"

    I like your purposefully-placed capitalization too. I hope I didn't step on any toes with the suggestions... I've been away for quite awhile, so I'm not sure what's kosher and what's not anymore. Anyway, meant with sincerity and respect. Hope this helps.
    | Posted on 2010-06-14 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]

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