[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: truth: the wake up calldots

    Author: Shadowstar13
    Elite Ratio:    4.73 - 191/191/129
    Words: 175
    Class/Type: Poetry/Venting
    Total Views: 782
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1293


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotstruth: the wake up calldots

    backbones are made of all sorts of things
    iron & miscellanium
    wood and water frozen thick
    but balsa vertebrae make me

    I'm wondering what made you think
    that it's okay if you let yourself sink

    darling, mermen are lovely only in dreams
    and aside from that, you've caught a cadfish, it seems

    hypocrisy doesn't suit you

    how do you expect to free a wolf from a snake
    if you're a tiger in a cage making the same mistake?

    you may have
    step outside
    of your own skin
    to understand
    what's wrong
    with who's wearing it
    and more importantly,
    what's right

    let me get the prison gun
    and tattoo this so it sinks in:

    know your own worth; it's more than diamonds
    or an old sweatshirt
    with cheap cologne

    Disrespect is a cardinal sin
    is not
    a virtue ---
    like a bladed boomerang,
    each will only
    back to hurt you.

    Submitted on 2010-06-14 16:18:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I like the content. I like the actual words and the message. I like most of the rhymes, though I couldn't get the wolf/snake/tiger lines to line up well enough for me. Can you refine the number of syllables there?

    I felt that the format was distracting... some columns, some sets of parallel lines, with inconsistent breaks and punctuation. My suggestion would be to make it a bit more consistent, get rid of the double spacing so that your spaces between "paragraphs" are more dramatic. May I be so bold as to make some detailed suggestions?

    "you may have to
    step outside of your own skin
    to understand what's wrong
    with who's wearing it,
    and more importantly-

    what's right."

    "know your own worth;
    it's more than diamonds
    [or an old sweatshirt with cheap cologne]"

    I like your purposefully-placed capitalization too. I hope I didn't step on any toes with the suggestions... I've been away for quite awhile, so I'm not sure what's kosher and what's not anymore. Anyway, meant with sincerity and respect. Hope this helps.
    | Posted on 2010-06-14 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    a mood to be free written by Daniel Barlow
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Every..... written by jackz
    a safe place written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    the testing of hypotheses written by Daniel Barlow
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    no words for how graceful you are in this moment written by Daniel Barlow
    prison written by ShyOne
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Love written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    You read free written by poetotoe
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Fasade written by jackz
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Yes written by poetotoe
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Your Lover written by Cordell




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]