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    dots Submission Name: Recruitdots

    Author: Celeste J. Bell
    ASL Info:    27 Indiana
    Elite Ratio:    3.84 - 261/310/148
    Words: 56
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 574
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 339

       Have fun :)

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    Hollow steps to wounded beats
    He carries the gun to admit defeat
    It makes him safe, it makes him sane
    The trigger holds his life contained

    Armor of bullets, helmet of knives
    Where he lands and when he dies
    Can be right now if he wishes it so
    But he goes on living, breathing, alone.

    Submitted on 2010-06-17 11:17:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||

    It was succinct yet you somehow managed to turn 8 lines into a really compelling story/message.

    The rhyming is great... although I do agree with Quin that maybe you should take another look at the second to last line. For me, it feels a bit forced and stands out from the rest of the poem.

    Besides that, it is a really wonderful little poem. It is very melodic and does a great job of putting some imagery in my mind. :)

    Thanks for sharing!
    | Posted on 2010-06-18 00:00:00 | by melancholystar | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it, mainly for being concise and still carrying a good beat to read to.

    The only line I had a problem with was 'Can be right now if he wishes it so' - for some reason it doesn't flow quite right. However, I'm not sure how to change it to make it better (sorry!), so I'd leave it alone.

    Good work!
    | Posted on 2010-06-18 00:00:00 | by Quin | [ Reply to This ]
      This was pretty good, I tend to be more biased towards rhyme scheme poems. It had a comfortable flow and at no point did anything seemed forced into fitting in. "the trigger holds his life contained", where do you come up with this stuff. I enjoyed it very much, keep that noodle cookin up more treasures like this.
    | Posted on 2010-06-17 00:00:00 | by JR Hoodlum | [ Reply to This ]

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