Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Recruitdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Celeste J. Bell
    ASL Info:    27 Indiana
    Elite Ratio:    3.84 - 261/310/148
    Words: 56
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 607
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 339



    Description:
       Have fun :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRecruitdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Hollow steps to wounded beats
    He carries the gun to admit defeat
    It makes him safe, it makes him sane
    The trigger holds his life contained

    Armor of bullets, helmet of knives
    Where he lands and when he dies
    Can be right now if he wishes it so
    But he goes on living, breathing, alone.




    Submitted on 2010-06-17 11:17:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow.

    It was succinct yet you somehow managed to turn 8 lines into a really compelling story/message.

    The rhyming is great... although I do agree with Quin that maybe you should take another look at the second to last line. For me, it feels a bit forced and stands out from the rest of the poem.

    Besides that, it is a really wonderful little poem. It is very melodic and does a great job of putting some imagery in my mind. :)

    Thanks for sharing!
    | Posted on 2010-06-18 00:00:00 | by melancholystar | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it, mainly for being concise and still carrying a good beat to read to.

    The only line I had a problem with was 'Can be right now if he wishes it so' - for some reason it doesn't flow quite right. However, I'm not sure how to change it to make it better (sorry!), so I'd leave it alone.

    Good work!
    | Posted on 2010-06-18 00:00:00 | by Quin | [ Reply to This ]
      This was pretty good, I tend to be more biased towards rhyme scheme poems. It had a comfortable flow and at no point did anything seemed forced into fitting in. "the trigger holds his life contained", where do you come up with this stuff. I enjoyed it very much, keep that noodle cookin up more treasures like this.
    | Posted on 2010-06-17 00:00:00 | by JR Hoodlum | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    185725

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Giving written by jjd
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    This written by Chelebel
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Bond written by saartha
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    In the end written by Janesaddiction

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry