Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I'll be the dark.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: was_i_ever_real
    ASL Info:    23 _ f _ tx
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 194/91/52
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 763
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 824



    Description:
       Posted simply because You asked me to. Took a line from this for the title because I couldn't think of one. Any suggestions?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI'll be the dark.dots
    -------------------------------------------




    You feel exotic and dangerous. Something new. I'm always nervous around you. I'm bruised all over, it hurts to move...

    I love this ache you've created. I curiously explore your taste and already labeled you a favorite. An artful mass of contradictions that all seem so right. An unstable compilation that will most likely explode. Last night I glimpsed galaxies behind your eyes. Husky sighs a melody. Control abandoned, if I ever had any to begin with....

    Forgive me, but I am lost in you. You've taken away all shame. I smile at the thought of your face. Blush at the mention of your name. I burn...remembering every touch...

    just whisper this dust off of my heart and I'll be the dark that envelopes your stars.






    Submitted on 2010-06-18 06:44:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I have been meaning to comment this since I favourited it but I seem to keep finding other distractions to keep me from it. But here I am, finally, to share a few thoughts.

    The first time I read this piece was when you had submitted it as a journal. It was presented very differently to this; it was in a very free-form stream of consciousness type of structure. If I'm honest, I feel that the way in which you've tamed it by placing it into verses and a more 'poetic' layout has sterilised it somehow. Has stripped it of its natural flow and rhythm. I can still see what it was I loved so much in its original form - you still have that truly great choice of cohesive word patterns. The real nifty little visuals like 'whisper this dust off of my heart', and that honestly lovely third verse concerning galaxies in eyes and melodies of sighs. Beautiful stuff.

    That only very minor personl preference aside, I really enjoyed coming back to read and comment this. You should submit more often, Kryssy. This poem really proves what a talent you have for writing when you have the right emotional investment in the subject matter. This theme, of longing and wanting to love and be loved, suits you. And don't be afraid of using a title which doesn't appear in your piece somewhere. I love finding songs, for example, which have titles that are mentioned nowhere in the lyrics. It's intriguing and makes you think.

    Thanks for the write and for submitting. It's been a pleasure spending time with it =]

    | Posted on 2010-07-03 00:00:00 | by Jacoby | [ Reply to This ]
      Actually, I think your title works. It's a neat phrase and neat phrases can sometimes be used more than once, no?

    It has a strong sentiment, so to begin and end with it works for me.

    There are parts of this that absolutely radiate: like: "I love this ache you've created./I curiously explore your taste and/ already labeled you a favorite./ An artful mass of contradictions that all seem so right" and "Last night I glimpsed galaxies behind your eyes./ Husky sighs a melody." and "whisper this dust off my heart/ and I'll be the dark that envelopes your stars."

    I think, given these gems, you could enhance the rest of the write. Some of your lines are very commonplace, especially the stanza beginning with "You've taken away all shame." But the inspiration and skill is obviously there to portray these sentiments in more artistic and new ways. Of course, you may be quite content with it as is. However, I do hope you keep sculpting this, as those sections I mentioned above were so lovely and would shine even more with a little editing.

    I also enjoyed the slant rhyme throughout the poem. It actually gives the poem flow, as you do not restrict your words to rhyme, but rather just a similarity of sounds within them. Overall, it is a lovely ode and on my favorite topic presented with one of my favorite themes: love and the milky way.

    -Emeya

    | Posted on 2010-06-18 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    185743

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    The World written by jjd
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Keep written by TheStillSilence

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry