You feel exotic and dangerous. Something new. I'm always nervous around you. I'm bruised all over, it hurts to move...
I love this ache you've created. I curiously explore your taste and already labeled you a favorite. An artful mass of contradictions that all seem so right. An unstable compilation that will most likely explode. Last night I glimpsed galaxies behind your eyes. Husky sighs a melody. Control abandoned, if I ever had any to begin with....
Forgive me, but I am lost in you. You've taken away all shame. I smile at the thought of your face. Blush at the mention of your name. I burn...remembering every touch...
just whisper this dust off of my heart and I'll be the dark that envelopes your stars.
| I have been meaning to comment this since I favourited it but I seem to keep finding other distractions to keep me from it. But here I am, finally, to share a few thoughts.|
The first time I read this piece was when you had submitted it as a journal. It was presented very differently to this; it was in a very free-form stream of consciousness type of structure. If I'm honest, I feel that the way in which you've tamed it by placing it into verses and a more 'poetic' layout has sterilised it somehow. Has stripped it of its natural flow and rhythm. I can still see what it was I loved so much in its original form - you still have that truly great choice of cohesive word patterns. The real nifty little visuals like 'whisper this dust off of my heart', and that honestly lovely third verse concerning galaxies in eyes and melodies of sighs. Beautiful stuff.
That only very minor personl preference aside, I really enjoyed coming back to read and comment this. You should submit more often, Kryssy. This poem really proves what a talent you have for writing when you have the right emotional investment in the subject matter. This theme, of longing and wanting to love and be loved, suits you. And don't be afraid of using a title which doesn't appear in your piece somewhere. I love finding songs, for example, which have titles that are mentioned nowhere in the lyrics. It's intriguing and makes you think.
Thanks for the write and for submitting. It's been a pleasure spending time with it =]
|| Posted on 2010-07-03 00:00:00 | by Jacoby | [ Reply to This ]|
| Actually, I think your title works. It's a neat phrase and neat phrases can sometimes be used more than once, no? |
It has a strong sentiment, so to begin and end with it works for me.
There are parts of this that absolutely radiate: like: "I love this ache you've created./I curiously explore your taste and/ already labeled you a favorite./ An artful mass of contradictions that all seem so right" and "Last night I glimpsed galaxies behind your eyes./ Husky sighs a melody." and "whisper this dust off my heart/ and I'll be the dark that envelopes your stars."
I think, given these gems, you could enhance the rest of the write. Some of your lines are very commonplace, especially the stanza beginning with "You've taken away all shame." But the inspiration and skill is obviously there to portray these sentiments in more artistic and new ways. Of course, you may be quite content with it as is. However, I do hope you keep sculpting this, as those sections I mentioned above were so lovely and would shine even more with a little editing.
I also enjoyed the slant rhyme throughout the poem. It actually gives the poem flow, as you do not restrict your words to rhyme, but rather just a similarity of sounds within them. Overall, it is a lovely ode and on my favorite topic presented with one of my favorite themes: love and the milky way.
|| Posted on 2010-06-18 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ] |