Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I'll be the dark.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: was_i_ever_real
    ASL Info:    23 _ f _ tx
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 194/91/52
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 925
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 824



    Description:
       Posted simply because You asked me to. Took a line from this for the title because I couldn't think of one. Any suggestions?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI'll be the dark.dots
    -------------------------------------------




    You feel exotic and dangerous. Something new. I'm always nervous around you. I'm bruised all over, it hurts to move...

    I love this ache you've created. I curiously explore your taste and already labeled you a favorite. An artful mass of contradictions that all seem so right. An unstable compilation that will most likely explode. Last night I glimpsed galaxies behind your eyes. Husky sighs a melody. Control abandoned, if I ever had any to begin with....

    Forgive me, but I am lost in you. You've taken away all shame. I smile at the thought of your face. Blush at the mention of your name. I burn...remembering every touch...

    just whisper this dust off of my heart and I'll be the dark that envelopes your stars.






    Submitted on 2010-06-18 06:44:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I have been meaning to comment this since I favourited it but I seem to keep finding other distractions to keep me from it. But here I am, finally, to share a few thoughts.

    The first time I read this piece was when you had submitted it as a journal. It was presented very differently to this; it was in a very free-form stream of consciousness type of structure. If I'm honest, I feel that the way in which you've tamed it by placing it into verses and a more 'poetic' layout has sterilised it somehow. Has stripped it of its natural flow and rhythm. I can still see what it was I loved so much in its original form - you still have that truly great choice of cohesive word patterns. The real nifty little visuals like 'whisper this dust off of my heart', and that honestly lovely third verse concerning galaxies in eyes and melodies of sighs. Beautiful stuff.

    That only very minor personl preference aside, I really enjoyed coming back to read and comment this. You should submit more often, Kryssy. This poem really proves what a talent you have for writing when you have the right emotional investment in the subject matter. This theme, of longing and wanting to love and be loved, suits you. And don't be afraid of using a title which doesn't appear in your piece somewhere. I love finding songs, for example, which have titles that are mentioned nowhere in the lyrics. It's intriguing and makes you think.

    Thanks for the write and for submitting. It's been a pleasure spending time with it =]

    | Posted on 2010-07-03 00:00:00 | by Jacoby | [ Reply to This ]
      Actually, I think your title works. It's a neat phrase and neat phrases can sometimes be used more than once, no?

    It has a strong sentiment, so to begin and end with it works for me.

    There are parts of this that absolutely radiate: like: "I love this ache you've created./I curiously explore your taste and/ already labeled you a favorite./ An artful mass of contradictions that all seem so right" and "Last night I glimpsed galaxies behind your eyes./ Husky sighs a melody." and "whisper this dust off my heart/ and I'll be the dark that envelopes your stars."

    I think, given these gems, you could enhance the rest of the write. Some of your lines are very commonplace, especially the stanza beginning with "You've taken away all shame." But the inspiration and skill is obviously there to portray these sentiments in more artistic and new ways. Of course, you may be quite content with it as is. However, I do hope you keep sculpting this, as those sections I mentioned above were so lovely and would shine even more with a little editing.

    I also enjoyed the slant rhyme throughout the poem. It actually gives the poem flow, as you do not restrict your words to rhyme, but rather just a similarity of sounds within them. Overall, it is a lovely ode and on my favorite topic presented with one of my favorite themes: love and the milky way.

    -Emeya

    | Posted on 2010-06-18 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    185743

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Stretto written by saartha
    Sanctimony written by MyPeriodical
    HeroĆ­na written by MyPeriodical
    Leyenda de Un Maldito Cobarde written by MyPeriodical
    Instances written by hyproglo
    untitled written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Rezar por la naturaleza written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    That Kind of Love Never Brought Me Flowers written by Jazzy
    Legends written by poetotoe
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Everyone written by poetotoe
    Two hundred and seven times written by MyPeriodical
    Chasing The Lie written by jackz
    Labor Pains written by MyPeriodical
    To Be written by MyPeriodical
    Silly Rulers. written by MyPeriodical
    I am still sorry. written by MyPeriodical
    Tired Vine written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Human Progression written by ForgottenGraves
    I am a sorry son. Part two written by MyPeriodical
    I am a sorry son. written by MyPeriodical
    One day older, One year wiser. written by Rhythmal
    Gone written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry