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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: abusive boyfrienddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: annezah
    ASL Info:    19/f/long island NY
    Elite Ratio:    2.5 - 14/15/16
    Words: 923
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 767
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 4582



    Description:
       this is basically whats going on in my life right now, i need some advice or thoughts or opinions on what you think i should do. thank you


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsabusive boyfrienddots
    -------------------------------------------



    MY THOUGHTS:
    i have been pushed, grabbed, choked, broken bones, shoved, etc. why am i still with you? you tell me your a different person, your a "good" person- and that you want to show me that. so i stay, i fall for your lies.
    it all started with not letting me talk to my friends, telling me who and when im allowed to talk to. you on the other hand can talk to whomever and do whatever you please
    i wasnt allowed to go to work
    then it went on to how im not allowed to have email accounts, facebooks, etc you however can keep yours
    next it was throwing my personal belongings. breaking them, refusing to let me use them/give them back to me
    then one night you grabbed both my arms and held my mouth shut and cursed me out all because i wanted my phone back and you refused to let me leave your house
    you then started putting me down, making me feel horrible about myself- like i am useless. you would talk to me like i was a piece of shit you scream at me constantly and it scares me so much
    our first month anniversary, you blocked your doorway, threw and hid my phone, cursed me out, i was holding my pocket book- you then grabbed it trying to take that away from me too, and threw me on the floor. i got up and threatened to call the cops on you, so you shoved me against the wall and choked me out and told me looking straight in my eyes how you could kill me right now holding my neck.
    you tell me if i dont hear from you that your fucking other girls
    you tell me im a selfless bitch
    the next few weeks go by, my phone consistantly keeps getting thrown and broken and hid from me, and yet i still come back to you every weekend. what am i coming back to? these lies you tell me....im just hoping one day they will be real.
    you start to show improvement and we are working things out
    next thing i know you throw my pocket book at the wall because i wont give you my phone. i get scared and start shaking. you tell me "atleast theres no bruises on you this time to threaten the cops"
    i think things are getting better, you promise to take me to nice places
    you give me your ring
    you have been nicer then you ever have
    then its fathers day, im texting my dad. your mad im using my phone so you come up and grab it and throw it at the wall. i get up crying and put it back together and i tell you i need to text my dad. you let me. you ask me what im saying to him, and you get mad that im crying when i tell you. so you get back up throw my phone. i struggle to get it back from you, you push me against the wall holding my mouth shut cursing at me. we continue to struggle over the phone, you throw me on the floor, i get up, we struggle, you throw me on the bed and hold me down and throw my stuff under the bed. im hysterically crying and shaking in fear and you yell at me because i wont look at you. i cant breathe because your holding me down.i tell you iwant it to be over, you continue to tell me no. i tell you i want to leave. you tell me no. i play into you telling me your sorry and things will get better just so i can get up from you holding me down. i get up, ask if i can get my stuff from under the bed. you say yes but only if i promise not to leave. i promise. i to get my stuff, i put back together my phone and turn it on. i put it in my pocketbook. i sit back down on the bed with you and you apologize and cry on my shoulder. i ask to use the bathroom and you say i have to leave my phone or that you will have to escort me in there. i get angry and tell you that you cannot keep controlling me like this. what i just told you makes you extremely mad and you end up grabbing my bag in my hand i scream in pain because you twisted my wrist. i am now on the floor crying holding my wrist because i cannot move it. i cant breathe im in so much pain and crying continuously. you roll me over and try to calm me down and ask if im okay. you tell me this wont happen again. you promise it wont happen EVER again. you tell me you love me. you tell me you want me to move in. you tell me you never want me to leave and you want to marry me.
    i now have a broken wrist, and bruised shoulder bone. along with hand marks on my arms and legs from you restraining me.
    and im still with you, im still coming back to see you. and i still love you. WHY am i doing this to myself?

    can someone please tell me why i am putting myself through this? why am i not strong enough to just walk away?




    Submitted on 2010-06-21 16:53:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Wow. That's intense. I can't say that I've had abuse like that, but I've had other types of abuse. That girl is very right. They never change. The most important person in your life, is you. That may sound selfish, but really it's not. You owe yourself your happiness. And he will never make you happy. I've had plenty of relationships where they promised to do sweet things, then not do it, and lie about things. It's not right. You need to find your safe harbor, and go to someone you can trust. Maybe a male friend you've known for a while, who won't let you be hurt. Or something. It is not right for men to hit women. It's sick and wrong, and I've been controlled to the extreme before, but I never had the nerve to stand up for myself. At least you can say something. Don't lose your voice, get out as soon as possible. You may think you love him, but it's more than likely infatuation. You don't honestly want to spend your life with someone you're afraid of do you? You will never be happy. If he broke your wrist, he could break anything. What if he retrains you he breaks your ribs or back? I'm not trying to scare you, I just want you to see what could happen. And if he started this at only a month, it's only going to get worse. You deserve so much better. Every girl deserves a guy who will treat her like a princess and only touch her gently and make her feel warm and safe. Especially safe. He's not that guy. You have to be strong and walk away. And strong enough not to go back. Just know you aren't the horrid things he says, he's a jackass. You deserve so much better. And don't pay attention to the things he will say about you if you leave. That's his pride being hurt, and him being immature about handling it. He'll get over it. No guy who wants to marry a girl would hit her and call her names. And my theory about him not trusting you with facebook and emails and your phone, he's the one being unfaithful. That's usually how it is. He's trying to kill his guilt by taking it out on you, but no matter how many times he says sorry, he doesn't mean it. You'll lose yourself if you stay in this relationship.
    I wrote a piece called A Beauty No More. If you get a chance, check it out. It's like this, but with a more horrid ending. I hope you can get help, and get out. Sorry for ranting on, but I get really emotional about things like this, and I am concerned for your health.
    Best wishes, and good luck.
    Kaygrl
    | Posted on 2010-06-27 00:00:00 | by Kaygrl | [ Reply to This ]
      RE: actually i cant imagine being like this for the rest of my life, and to be completely honest with you im not sure how to leave.
    i know if i stay things will get worse in time
    and ive talked to annoymous people and they have said if i dont do it soon ill end up dead.
    | Posted on 2010-06-22 00:00:00 | by annezah | [ Reply to This ]
      someone to relate...

    when i finally walked away, there was almost nothing left of who i was. i think that is what scared me most. and looking back at it now, i refused to give him that last little piece of me.

    i was 16/17 when i got into the relationship. at 19 i was finally able to get away completely. one thing too i realized, in some weird way, he reaffirmed how i felt about myself. as well, i couldn't tell anyone about the situation i was in. one, i was embarrased. two, he threatened to hurt the people i loved.

    abusers don't change. they don't. they don't. they don't. it will never be any different. and no matter how much you may love him, that love isn't going to change who he is.

    what you write is so completely typical. that separation from friends and family. the taking away of things that are important. the personal items. the lack of freedom.

    sheesh. i got the [censored] beat out of me. seriously. i was burned. black eyed. broken nosed. beaten with wire hangers and belts. stabbed. forced to do a whole lot of stuff i didn't want to do.

    pray.
    and move.

    tell your family members. tell someone.

    IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER. IT WILL NEVER CHANGE IF YOU DON'T MAKE A MOVE.

    somewhere you gotta reach deep down inside and ask yourself is this really love.

    i know it is hard. i know. i know. and it is a really sucky place to be. seriously.

    i hope i don't come off as preachy. it is not my intent at all.

    choose you.
    you deserve a chance at this thing called breathing. its scary. it is. but can you actually imagine being where you are for the rest of your life? can you?




    | Posted on 2010-06-22 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]


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